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Since I have a restraining order, by you, on me and my older children and I am not able to tell you in person.... I know every time someone reads this and plays the song... The vibez will be sent to the universe and one day she is going to fuck you... Not in a nice way
Love, peace, joy to the rest of humanity.
It was the most annoying thing to learn that I disassociate. For all my life, until Feb 2023, when my eyes of my eyes opened and I realized that I had lived in a disassociated reality fog all my life.
It mainly looks like procrastination, running away from perceived problems, completely throwing caution to the wind. Basically I'm a child. Simple things that shouldn't be problematic to do are, not technically, emotionally. This includes all the following: paying bills, shopping, eating regularly, sleeping regularly, leaving the house, taking the bus. Fuxk it's like having dementia at the age of 40!
The hardest part of all of this is, that I'm a strong, seemingly independent woman on the outside, however, on the inside, only the regulatory of breathing, and the miracle of my body working, I'm complete jelly.
I will take a life of disassociation, free of the worry of the outside world. Where I know I'm safe, loved, and cared for.
I'm an unbounded wild child that needs security of never being able to float away... Because I have an anchor, and a short leash.
https://open.spotify.com/track/7xOB82ELg70RoIM3mMTkt4?si=5X5-h-ZqTB6IdG96Wn_B1A
I don't get many hugs. I have no family. Yesterday I fell asleep in a hug.
May my every night end, and every morning begin with an all encompassing embrace.
I'm standing outside my son's school before a trip to Jerusalem. Before these things I always ask myself...
Who are the cool parents, that will keep this trip fun?
My first scan is for tattoos ... The more the tattoos the better the chances of being a cool parent. Preliminary assessment: 98% chance it's a no. There is one guy with a tattoo, and a mom with a bunch... Thanks to Pandora we still have hope.
Updates
• What would it take to get someone else to go on these trips instead of me? (Wrong answers only pls).
• clearly tattoos are not a good judge of potential coolness. What are other potential signs?
• If anyone is reading this, without smiling, but getting angry at how shallow I am, I've previbed the note below (see 👇) to bless you with a sense of humor.
• Only 3 kids from our class came today. Kole loooo. Empty bus!
Going to the wall for those who can't. I'm putting this in the wall for whoever needs. Send your vibes and I'll put all of them together in the wall.
Why fly when I can just superpower AliExpress and get me a private jet
Why choose? Why be one way? Why limit the possibilities ?
For a while I have been flipping and flopping and that in itself is exhausting. Until I saw this picture and realized ... I had even less fuxks to give than yesterday and it really doesn't matter at the end of the day, week, month, year, ever.
Be who you want to be, and if you can't then simply be yourself
Brought 2 guys home with me today. Both very sweet.
In 45 minutes I have to get on a bus.
I don't drive (plenty of opportunity just no encouragement or the encouragement was not from a place of love). Over the past 2 years my stress levels have caused confusion and panic attacks when it comes to getting from A to B. Either I get off the wrong stop, take the wrong bus, get off the right stop and then am convinced that it's wrong and get back on. This happens with trains and buses. Not so bad in the city but going out it's a little stressful 😄
I have taken myself alone:
- to the emergency room
- shar menashe (I got myself out after a night)
- out of an abusive relationship x3
- the death of both parents who didn't love me
- physical, mental and emotional abuse and neglect
- a fair share of surgeries.
- mental breakdown
- came near death June 2023
AND I AM EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE
I'm invincible!
Here I go
I will conquer my fear until only I remain
Update: bus drove right past me. I realized as I was looking at its ass drive away.
It would seem that I'm in a growth spurt.
Have I finally started sitting down with myself like I have wanted to for a long time? Yes
Does this mean the floodgates of wisdom and perspective have been opened? yes.
Does this mean I'm about to go on a wild ride with my best buddy, me? Hell yeah!
I married myself the other day.
"With this ring I promise to care and protect myself from this day forward. Through all the good, and the bad. With money, and without money. Through illness and through health. I promise to love and cherish myself until that perfect time when I go back to the universe and all that is left of me is the meatsack I chose for myself when I was ready to experience reality for a short time."
Without love there is no growth. Without growth there is nothing to love.
