dark city

i'm having a shity al time and was hoping to bitch and rant on my old blog but the damn computer is against me.. so i'll have to make do with this one..
came back from zichron today after fleeing TA on tuesday had to get away was loosing my mind, left my man a 4 page letter and took off. that of course didnt sit to well with him and we had a rough phone talk later that night. we are kinf of not together anymore for all kinds of reasons, and now i'm back "home" as i dont have anywhere else to go just yet. we are going to take a kind of cooling off piriod i'll be home hunting again, for a place of my own again oh fun.. i'm too damn confused now as to know how i really feel, right now all i really want is a big hug and some good crying, cant seem to get those damn tears out, and they are ever present and still not spilling. we hurt eachother in so many ways and i know i feel pretty shitty bout it. i am in such a shitty place with myself now. drowning in shit and cant seem to find my own voice among the screaming voices in my head. i am fighting to find myself and my voice and i know that with him i cant do it now i need to have a place of my own to feel secure in and build myself up from the ruins. almost fucked up a job oppurtunity and just barely maneged to save it. i feel all lost in myself. tyring to direct all that pain into something creative and motiveated. trying to pull through with my teheth and nails. trying not to loose it completely. hoping the new week will help me get some strucher in my life and some forward pulling and hope inertia will help me keep on moving.
he's all smashed on the sofa and as much as i have a need to wake him up to hug me and hold me i cant bring myself to do so as i am afraid we lost something along the way and i'm too scared to reach out to him anymore and i am so damn alone now, my closest and dearest are far away and most likely asleep. i want something of my own, that is only mine. trying not to wallow too much in my own sorrows as i am afraid i wont find my way back.