Tips For Great Cyber Sex

Tips For Great Cyber Sex

Mistress Gatta • 4 במרץ 2005

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please
make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of
the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not
during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present
or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.)
It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing

undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one
corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz
of various "toys" can be heard.




2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem
protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard.
It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer


technician that your keys are "stuck" and you


have no idea why.




3. For women, **no matter** what you are **truly wearing,
**such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers,
t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that
could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell


your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter
belt with black stockings, and your best wonderbra, (the
one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton


is under your chin), and a pair of high heels
(preferably stilletto with an ankle strap). You **do not**
want to destroy the myth that all women dress that way when
they sit down at their computer. As for what the man should
be
wearing, we know that they are all naked and wearing just
a smile




4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from
straddling your monitor. There are many potential (as
well as humorus) emergency room stories to be told if you
get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy
to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with
your 15" screen.




5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person
know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell
them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your


grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled
out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would
rather read
the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked
your fridge tomake sure the light still works when you open
the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an
ice cube tray to stop the monotony.




6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check
your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo,
i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours.
I just love your hot, wet posse, (kinda puts a western slant


on things yes?), hmmmm, things could get interesting with
boots and spurs though. Oh baby, you have such a big coke,
(hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that).


Thats it baby, show me that beautiful
clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork
me hard!




7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from
putting your "coke"in one place, when your
cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else.
If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy
a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or
you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel
like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart,
just pretend you got
bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't
take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I
have to let my dog out."




8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or at least
faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure
of faking cyberorgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank
you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you
truly had a wonderful time.)




9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured
into ever having cybersex with this person again. When
they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong
one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to


just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got
your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber
twice.




10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not
make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the
house while having it. Watching the screen in the dark does


make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if
your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather
be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady


rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice
with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your
right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something
different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my
friends!