I don't know what to feel now.
Was it good? Bad?
Did I apologize enough? Correctly?
Did I convey my hurt while not belittling his?
I know he doesn't owe me anything. And he made it very clear that he doesn't. Made it very clear that I need to thank him for every morsel of attention and support or else I would lose those too.
I feel like I need to grovel at his feet.
I'm always the one apologizing, always the one in the wrong. Because when he's hurting me I should have known better, and when I'm hurting him I should have known better.
It's my choice to keep him in my life so I need to deal with the consequences.
Fuck consequences. Don't want to be responsible for my actions. Want to destroy myself completely. It'll show him who's the weak one between us.
If only it wouldn't have defeated the point of not hurting him.