המתת השור

Hi Dear
thank you for your interest in me. i still feel priviledged sometimes to have been at this end of you whip -)
This is my first day of vacation since december 27 so that I think (?) i am extremely tired. professionally speaking, i am surprising myself every time a bit more as i become a better and better professional journalistic machine. this is what experience is all about but after all not only....my instincts are right my delivering of difficult taks are more and more flawless and the amount of trust and admiration that i get from my journalistic surrounding is everytime more respected.
in one word : i am good at what i do and i like it
but all this is like life : it comes with mixed feelings and with a lot of fatigue. Not that i want more but it comes with a kind of sadness.
sadness because i am the immediate witness of what is happening around and this analysing ahead donnot come with big hopes but with a realism that betray both hopes and despair.
to SEE reality naked - without too much rationalizing - can be a tricky business because of this region
sadness because of personal reasons too. i seem to have lost my touch with hapiness because hapiness comes to be belonging to a realm more affected with the quality of dreams than ever.
human society -- and western one too - is always equiped with a solid creaving for dream
without it' we could not escape the hardships of this complex existence and with it seems to me sometimes that it is a basic need as much as food and water are.
when you take this aspect of things out of love'' sex and the usual cliches, you are becoming an alert individual but a battered one : one that cannot pull over an immediate vision' one without glasses one without vision one without wind and sail one without future
so i am still clinging on the renmants of my youth despite the years old creature that i have become and my only hapiness will be - and i do write will this time - that of rendering its ranges of greys and shadows

i am fighting. i am fighting because i live with such a different individual than me and that i have a hard time to reckon with it.and a hard time to adapt to it
but time proves right ....sometimes
he is a very dominant individual' the absolue dom one that loves to have a slave tending his every needs' especially sexual. and i cannot, literally cannot, since i am such a strong and stuborn individual
a lot of frustration comes out of it but as well' when in a relationship based on time' intimacy and patience' based on so much gratitude and sometimes admiration
we are so different because after all he is quite younger than me but as well the hinges of his character- what makes him tick - are so essentially different than mines.
i am slow and aspiring to calm I am earthly and bossy at times
he is all bossy and fire one that not really know how to love yet the way i would like him to love me and I cannot change him not the other way around .... but for short moments of mutual understanding that become harmony of minutes ,,,,that make us go on and go on
what love has to do with that ? nothing and everything i would say today
and that is what life is all about i think
thank you my Dear for being on the other end of these few written words and thank you for asking
it brings the best out of me
and you know now why - i hope