המתת השור

i have been looking for love
and I have not found it
it involved a transforming of my conception of love but i understood that it was the slowest to change within me.

for decades. i have been looking for liberty
and i have not found it
it involved too a deep search within myself as per who i am and what i am capable of
this have changed slowly and surely. and now is probably the opportunity to do it

for decaded, i have been looking for sex
and i have not found it
my persue of perfect and blissful sex within the complexity of my own sexual self has been at time fulgurant in its discoveries
but i have not achieved

do i have to give up ? as once a therapist told me so : " you should give up after your dream of a perfect companion and get into a sheltered place for women"
i had completely rejected at that time this suggestion finding it at that time a gesture of renunciation

can we ever renounce that kind of search ? i dont know but i dont think so

using my deepest moments of despair, my ex companion tried very hard to declare that i was crazy and violent.
he did so in a double approach : because he could not / would not understand what i was needing from : an honest companion ship with a real dedication to our love
an incapacity to fathom my demands since his only agenda was that of himself and his only satisfaction, with me getting satified with the crumbs only
and a desire to get rid of these demands because they were to big for him to understand

there is a strange phenomenon actually occuring when some very unealthy relationships are involved : the heavy hanging weight of this very partner for you not to be free and be gone.
he would not let me go
he could not deliver me of this emotional slavehood and co depency
he would do everything to not me go....

but i did go
i unbroke my chains against all odds many many times in my life
doinf that gives me an intense sense of pride and sense of discovery

i discover that there is no limit almost when one is searching for his or her true liberty
emotional, intellectual, probably not physical but the latest is starting to be true too.

i have been a pioneer all through my life
i have met a lot of mediocrity on the way
because being a pioneer means being alone, a bit ahead of others always and that makes you often lonely

now is again a time when i will do many steps to be charging life with this part of my personality : being the first to do the step towards the liberty of being myself

to be a pioneer

my ex is probably stuck in the conviction that i have been victimizing him and he has convinced his surrounding that i have done so and continue to do so until today. he has used me in all possible way. but he is the victim.
i am not his victim anymore
and he is stuck there.