המתת השור

Of love and BDSM

Strangely, the depth of love in bdsm is often greater than in "vanila" love. i think it has to do with the dependence that is created between both members of the couple and the absolute defencelessness the submissive woman finds herself in. One by one, the inner walls that were built through years of self learning had to be put away to reach the final nucleus, an absolute nudity in front of her Master. Clean and free in front of the eye of your Desirer, your Owner.
This very element i think fragilized me together with the particular circumstances of our couple. But all together , the intensity of the bdms relationship granted me a feeling of deep belonging and love that i felt here with a passion.

Of dialogues interrupted
The worst for me was these interrupted dialogues that we will never finish. Entering the mind and soul of your partner, submissive or Master is like discovering America. I had a sense of curiosity that I felt at time never could be to be satiated. I miss his imagination.
But too I have to try and stop to speak within myself about statements he made (you can call it critics) and give in to them. it is a self destructive process that i am trying to escape from. Once it is done, strength comes back more and more with time.

Playing with fire
I thought I could control sadism. I failed. When it was returned against me, it crushed me.

The Judeo Christian element
i have tried to let go. To give up emotional ownership, an almost christian ascetic characteristic. I could not. Often, it is an element most demanded from women (but men eventually too) who are already very giving from the beginning.
And of course, I was not able to let go of anger which, after all, is a legitimate human emotion

The controlling aspect
So rests the decision of letting go of the relationship, letting go of a thing which is impossible to control.
We, as submissive are control freaks too but in the contrary sort of way. We do have an issue with it which is often very difficult to resolve

Finally, the absolute necessity of trusting oneself in our own judgement is as well a hard nut to crack. We are entities in a bdsm situation constantly bitten and eaten slowly by the master's input.
my own tried to nibble at it all the time; he succeeded sometimes, not always but still i left -or was left - with a strong personality where the sense of self was still , not beyond repair.

We both made mistakes . he probably did not love me enough to carry on and accept my angers and I probably did love him too much to forget that things have to be done with a strict and consensual dynamic .

Altogether, the most touching moment though, one that I will remember for ever, was this element of fusion made possible through giving up my body and mind, just a few moments of abandonment to him where, then, I decided to leave the handle of the door and go through His path exclusively. Between the pain given and the pleasure taken, between the strengths put aside and the fragilities taken, it felt like this nuclear explosion of love where finally, with the infinite power of the atom, solitude was able to be cracked.