המתת השור

we never saw but he was perceptive enough to make me come twice on the phone, an activity that i generally don't indulge and hate quite much
he was looking for a total slave, one to be in home permanently and serving him, abandoning most of her outdoor activity to be with him and at his service.
the thought of it threw me in wondering wether i was ready for that and i came to the conclusion that i could not, although he could be a very interesting and challenging person to be with, completely deliver myself for the sake of the Other/.
i don;t have in me i think, the last think i could not give up was an intellectual activity at the university.
it taught me 2 things,
one that i was not a complete slave. i dont find through the total abandonement of myself an inspiration enough to be wanting that. there i think i reached my limit/
second, that i am still looking very much - although bdsm has a huge room in it - the relationship of a couple' being in a couple; being existing through that twohood and not erasing myself completely
alone in a couple, deos not make me feel fulfilled
so there i am - in the middle of the road, very much attracted to a certain kind of extremism in slavery
and wanting at the same time these moments of normalcy of speaking eye to eye and feeling out it
i regretted of course loosing thie contact with this man...but one has to make some kind of decision along the way of learning oneself

as per your questions /
you are one of the few that i can let myself be touched by/
yes...i long for the next session'
i am attracted to this cruelty, sophisticated sadism you can express...
it can take the devil out of me
it can reach the total out of me

connections are rare and difficults when you get through certain stages. i am right in the middle of it.
i still feel in many as if i had been through a rape, a mental one and that makes me impossible to touch. but when i want to be touched, i do.
you are the one hesitating because of my own complexity and because you sense my moods.

i thank you for that

i am a creature in a perpetual movement these last months. a perpetual mass of feeling and changings,
this energy - sometimes painstakingly is best expressed when i succeed to abandon myself, even through a moment, out of the prison of chocks i have known this summer

this will remain my way of heeling out