סקיצות מחיים דיספונקציונליים

Ok. Ok.. hold your horses. So he left his girlfriend. Right by the time I decided to disengage from him unilaterally. Great. Right by the time I said, fuck it, maybe it’s better that he has her because I cannot really deal with my fantasy becoming reality. That will be too messy. Right at the time I decided that all I want is equilibrium. No more fighting at home.
But I had this new and better philosophy recently, it’s not equilibrium I am seeking but being in peace with myself. All I want is a simple life. One house where I will live till the day I die, big enough to fit my changing needs, I want to plant fruit trees and watch them grow. I want to watch my patients and supervisees grow. A kind of spiritual-relational philosophy in which I do not want to believe in anything. Not god money or happiness, I just want to be at peace with myself and my choices. I want to have good strong relationships with my friends and colleagues, that we nurture each other and help each other grow, and most of all I don’t want to run anymore, to stress anymore. I had enough. Enough pain enough suffering, enough mental anguish. More than I want this men or that men or any man for that matter in my life, I want to be in peace with myself.
Gotta say, looking back I have done exactly that, but at a big price. I do exactly what I love, exactly what I am excellent in doing. Would not do anything else professionally. But no more paying for your dreams with your mental health.
So I gotta admit, it helps some that he is alone again, though now working with him closely, I see that he is far far from perfect. But I don’t care. We’re all works in progress. Keep the people that you like close, nurture them, help ‘em grow, maybe like they helped you grow when you knew nothing. (Everyone included, even my neglected hurt guy), even though me and him my not survive this. I am in no hurry. This is my new philosophy. Things take their course. Things grow and change slow. To where? Who knows.