In the Pink

I feel as though I just landed.

I spent the week on a roller-coaster ride -- but not in a good way.

If I can stretch and mangle the analogy to an as-yet unachieved extent -- and you know I can -- it was like a roller-coaster ride where you're safely strapped in, but there's no wiggle room to the extent that you can barely breathe. Where the rickety sounds that the carriage makes as you whoosh down or up or over the curves and dips sound frighteningly wobbly. Where you just ate a three course meal which is threatening to revisit -- and soon.

You're feeling me now, amirite?

This week, I was put in a situation where I was forced to make a choice that would hurt someone. I had two choices, and at least one person would be hurt by each of the choices. The situation was visited upon me, suddenly and abruptly as if I'd been away and the mice had played and built a house of cards in my living room. And there I stood, with my head on one side, pondering and wondering how the fuck I could or should handle things.

The situation had been created in a manner that the technical term for which is, I believe, "ass-backwards". No one had considered the long-term effects, or the feelings of those involved and how to spare them. Roller-coaster rides for everyone, apparently.

It worked out that there were two options that I had to choose between, neither of which sat well with me. I was angry that I'd been put in the position in which I'd been put. I was frustrated that I'd been handed this with no forewarning, and suddenly I had to make an unpleasant decision which had consequences that would hurt people, no matter what.

I gave it deep, deep thought and length, soul-searching consideration. I turned the various potential scenarios over and over in my head. I looked at the consequences of each of my possible options, I played out all the possible scenarios in my head and I made my decision. It wasn't easy -- not at all. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. However, I know that the decision I made was right for the majority of people concerned, and were the situation repeated, I would make the same decision.

I spoke to the person closest to my heart, and informed him of my decision. It hurt me enormously to inflict such pain upon him, but it had to be done. After a couple of days, we spoke again. I explained in greater detail how I felt, and my reasoning, and why I could not make an alternate decision. We communicated in the clear and direct manner that we always do.

He said to me, and I quote:

"I do understand your decision, and I know that you didn't make it lightly. It's part of why I love you -- that you know your own mind, and you think things through properly. Had you made a decision just to please me, (with the likelihood of regretting it afterwards), then I would have resented you. As it is, I don't, I won't and I couldn't resent you. I love you very much, PLT."

I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I love you BBC. Thank you for helping me land.