blacklace and pigtails

so periodically i feel the need to login, see what is going on here, remind myself that i am still alive, that the world keeps going on and the kink that was once such a part of my life is not just a figment of my memory but alive and well in the community. I see messages in my inbox from months ago, and play with the thought of responding. 

i want to. i miss it so much. i dream of submission and pain. the sensations still in my memory, sweet sweet memories.

but the truth is that i am afraid. i am shocked that it was 8 years ago that i last wrote here. has it been this long?

am i that hurt that i cannot allow myself to go on with what i love?

10 years ago, i extracted myself from an emotionally abusive marriage, but to see the abuse there was easy. it was vanilla and the twisted nature of of relationship was obvious.

emotional abuse in a bdsm relationship is much more insidious, and because of the power dynamic already in the bond, it is harder to see. within a deep bond there is adoration, trust and obedience. and so you don't stop to think that although you have given power to another, that does not mean you have no needs or they are not valid. it may not always be the way you want it, or when you want it, but a good and responsible partner will make sure you are not neglected.  however narcissism is not a healthy trait for a dominant.  and so the emotional manipulation continued way too long. but i extracted myself from that one too.

and now i am afraid to try again. afraid to trust again. 

but even the memory of the open vulnerability of submission is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

want to , need to, but very very scared.

how do i find my way out of this?

i miss it. i miss submitting. it's been missing for along time and sometimes the need overwhelms me. needing to submit is different than the need for pain, although both exist inside me. submission is letting go. it's giving up the decisions. and sometimes it feels like i need it just as much as i need food, or air to breath. i doubt i would die without it, but i feel it burning inside. sometimes when the need is great and i am alone, i get down on hands and knees on the floor. something about the feeling of the cold floor under my knees, remindes me of how wonderful it felt to do that in the past, with a Master before me. that position that reminds me who and what i am, and that all decisions and control are not in my hands and that all i need to do is obey. obeying is easy most of the time. it is in my nature, even though most people would not guess that of me. and it feels so good to be in that situation. ironically, in my daily life i am assertive and some say even dominant. ironic because i have always felt that that aspect was less "real" than the submissive one, but it is the one i live almost all of the time.

so i'm there on the floor. as soon as i slide of the chair onto the floor, i feel a flood of release. as if it is an effort sometimes to keep up that public persona, and sliding to the floor releases that for a while. then i try to remember the feelign of a warm foot on the back of my neck, gently pushing, holding me still and reminding me of my place and who i belong to. that feeling is intoxicating for me. the memory of it brings tears to my eyes. i miss belonging. i miss having someone claim that as his property. i miss gving control over and knowing i am safe.

i saw a movie or a tv program once, where someone said of bdsm, that once you taste it, once you experience it, there is no going back and you never stop wanting it. that is true. for those of use with that disposition, on whatever side of the equation you are on, it touches upon urges and desires that are deep within, that come from your very core. there is no going back to ignorance after that, and no other sensations come close to being as satisfying.

i cannot explain why i am submissive. i have my theories, but that is what they are. theories. and what does it really matter anyway. i am what i am for whatever reason. so i embrace it.

i'm not sure what i'm doing here. i mean, i am not sure why i suddenly had this urge to write a blog.  i have been reading blogs for years but have never felt the need to write one myself.  but here, in the place where i can be myself, without offending or shocking anyone, here, where there are others that are like me and that understand the workings of my mind, here is the place that pulls me to write.

i'm also not sure who will even read what i write, and in english no less, but that is not the issue. i have started in english because that is my native language, and easiest for me to start with, but i am sure i will write in hebrew too sooner or late, as i am only just a little less comfortable in hebrew as i am in english.

as for readers, well, i have decided that i am writing for myself, not for some unknown potential audience. that way i can keep it real. be me, as i am. that is the point, after all. so if there are readers or not, will not change my direction. if someone finds interest in what i have to say, i am glad. and if not, it will stay my little online diary.

so hello, visitors of the cage. i will call myself rose, as that is the nick i have had for a long time and i am used to it. it is not my real name, of course, but we are all disguised in one way or another around here.

i am a submissive. i am also a masochist.  both are an integral part of me, inseperable from the other, more vanilla aspects of me. i am not new to the cage, but have been away for a long long time. 

i am not new to the bdsm world, i was in a D/s relationship that lasted quite a few years. 

one interesting thing about bdsm, to me, is that the desire, the need, the attraction to it never goes away. it really makes me feel that it is built-in rather than learned.

i have been away from bdsm for about 2 years. since the end of my last relationship, i have been caught up in vanilla things in life (divorce)  that has taken up much of my time and energy. but under all that, i still feel it burn inside me.  and while i can ignore it most of the time, it comes out sharply when i get horny, when i masturbate. then the images that fill my head leave no doubt as to who i am and what i am missing. and after i am orgasm, tears of yearning and need fill my eyes. i yearn to feel pain. i yearn to feel the floor under my knees as i kneel. i miss feeling the sweet release that is submission. i never feel more alive than i do in those moments. or more me.

someone said to me once that there is no going back. that for some, once you taste bdsm, nothing else can really compare.

yes.