i'm not sure what i'm doing here. i mean, i am not sure why i suddenly had this urge to write a blog. i have been reading blogs for years but have never felt the need to write one myself. but here, in the place where i can be myself, without offending or shocking anyone, here, where there are others that are like me and that understand the workings of my mind, here is the place that pulls me to write.
i'm also not sure who will even read what i write, and in english no less, but that is not the issue. i have started in english because that is my native language, and easiest for me to start with, but i am sure i will write in hebrew too sooner or late, as i am only just a little less comfortable in hebrew as i am in english.
as for readers, well, i have decided that i am writing for myself, not for some unknown potential audience. that way i can keep it real. be me, as i am. that is the point, after all. so if there are readers or not, will not change my direction. if someone finds interest in what i have to say, i am glad. and if not, it will stay my little online diary.
so hello, visitors of the cage. i will call myself rose, as that is the nick i have had for a long time and i am used to it. it is not my real name, of course, but we are all disguised in one way or another around here.
i am a submissive. i am also a masochist. both are an integral part of me, inseperable from the other, more vanilla aspects of me. i am not new to the cage, but have been away for a long long time.
i am not new to the bdsm world, i was in a D/s relationship that lasted quite a few years.
one interesting thing about bdsm, to me, is that the desire, the need, the attraction to it never goes away. it really makes me feel that it is built-in rather than learned.
i have been away from bdsm for about 2 years. since the end of my last relationship, i have been caught up in vanilla things in life (divorce) that has taken up much of my time and energy. but under all that, i still feel it burn inside me. and while i can ignore it most of the time, it comes out sharply when i get horny, when i masturbate. then the images that fill my head leave no doubt as to who i am and what i am missing. and after i am orgasm, tears of yearning and need fill my eyes. i yearn to feel pain. i yearn to feel the floor under my knees as i kneel. i miss feeling the sweet release that is submission. i never feel more alive than i do in those moments. or more me.
someone said to me once that there is no going back. that for some, once you taste bdsm, nothing else can really compare.
yes.