ים של מילים

.I wake up the second I hear the click of the living room light turning on

.The light is coming through the crack of my bedroom door and I can see a shadowy figure coming closer and closer

I know she is going to enter at any moment, and in some strange place inside my mind, I want to give her time to decide

. So I close my eyes as I've done many times before and fake sleepiness

.There are some nights she is very close to climbing into my bed

hovering above me in indecision but then turning on her heels and leaves. closing the door silently behind her just

.like she did upon entering

.In those times I feel happy for her 'cause I know she is being brave and strong

.Enduring her fucked up thoughts all by herself with no one to comfort her

 This time though, there's no hesitations. She opens the door with such assertiveness that it runs right through me

.gripping me with force and leaving goose bumps on my skin

;She climbs into bed, behind me not a minute later bringing with her the cold and whispers in my ear familiar words

."I need you"

.Every time, with no exceptions she begins with those exact words

.I roll to face her without saying a word and shelter her in my arms

Her body is shaking so bad I know it's one of the worse episodes, The fact that she didn't hesitate entering was the

.only sign I needed

I'm so lost I don't even know who I am right now, I feel like nothing, like a shell of a person. and this nothingness"

."consumes me so bad that I feel like I'm going to burst and disappear into it

.She's crying and I tighten my embrace, rocking her back and forth. 

.I'm here... I'm here...I'm here..." It's all I say over and over until its goes into a nice soothing rhythm"

Eventually, she falls into slumber. leaving me wide awake to think about all the words and thoughts she's brings

.with her every time. Nothingness... Nothingness is how I feel around her

.She doesn't see me

.She sees only her pain and suffering, staying oblivious to her surroundings, to me

.With her big deep thoughts and crying words she stays so far from the reality of life

,When she looks at me she sees only her comfort zone, her safe place where no one can hurt her

.where no one will take advantage of her broken state

.The first night she crawled into my bed, I made sure she would feel that way

.I was glad I could help, comfort and be there for her cause god knows she has no one but me

.Just me

.I also knew my opinions dosen't matter when I'm the only ones left

.But three years pass since and she's not the skinny little girl that she use to be, not anymore

.And I am a man, But she doesn't see me as one

.I pull my arms out as gently as i can and sit. I'm naked and she didn't even notice

.I take my boxers from the floor and put them on, then go to the kitchen for a glass of water

I don't want to reveal my desires because I'm afraid things will change. She will get scared, and wouldn't feel safe

around me anymore. I will lose her and she will lose me. Not exactly a win win situation. I'm waiting for her to feel better

and notice me on her own accord, but it hasn't happened for quite some time now and it's becoming harder and harder

to lie beside her on those nights without letting my body respond physically to hers. The last couple of times have left

.me feeling transparent, invisible and I hate that fucking feeling

.I feel on edge and decide against water, pouring myself a scotch instead. Maybe one day she will come to my bed

.and not because of her fear

I'm waiting to the day she will recognize my body as muscular and manly. She will look at me, her expression will

.change in an instant and in that moment i will become something I've never been before. A man

.But that's just ridiculous. I am a man, right now. It's not my body's fault she doesn't recognize it as one

?Other girls do. So why isn't it enough for me?  Why do I feel like A castrated male

.I take a sip from the scotch, my hand slips to my package touching, as to reassure myself I'm not

.I can't understand my frustrations but the alcohol helps to ease my mind and I fall into a mindless state

.Finishing the scotch with another big gulp, i get up and go back to bed calmer than I was before