רעשים של שקט

I am so compelled to perform shibari, and in a mini universe of people who are performing and acting like they are pros and not, doing dangerous things that from the audience their mistake looks obvious but someone without a knowledge of rope might have no idea. We see it all the time, it is a rigger jerk off. It’s dangerous and also, it’s boring. (Toledo, I’m nodding at you)
I have been tying rope for just two years and slow at that, since I haven’t been able to find a regular partner. I travel a lot, drop off the grid a lot, no one can keep track of me. That makes it hard for me to get into a groove of practice with someone so I can learn their buttons, boundaries, and hard limits. I’ve made mistakes as a result, I’ve hurt people I love and you can’t take that shit back. So why, the question is posed to me, do you need to perform something you don’t understand?

Well, I’ve been a performer since I was a kid, doing talent show sign language to nick jr sing alongs; I did choir and ballet and stripped and fancied myself an actor for a long time, I did stage all through my teen years. I’ve always felt compelled to communicate. I have the drive to stand under a spotlight, no matter how much that scares me (I’m always so afraid), and bleed out for an audience because I have something to say! I feel less alone when I am heard! Facing my fears and answeringthe call at the same time I am surrender and control.

But rope is not the message. Rope is the language. And I have to start somewhere, and people want to witness my message. I am going as carefully as I can, but I am hungry, so hungry.. and it is not easy when there are people who want me, but I’ve slammed the breaks multiple times. I cannot do it alone, I will not do it unsafely. I am reaching for my humility but also for my strength. The answer, like in Miesner, is always in my partner. Wish me luck.