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People keep telling me lately that i need to grow up and get my life in order. But for what? More depression. More reminders of my failures? More pain?
I will have to grow up eventually.but when i do i will kill myself. I owe myself this much atleast....
I am reborn! The neverending parties of the new year have charged me with so many energies I can take on anything!
I went from the bottom to the top and now am ready to explore all the possibilities in between.
I am invincible unbreakable almighty and ready to take on the world
Happy New Year
All my life i have been alone. Of course I still am. I am used to doing everything by myself. Especially to suffer and to endure pain.
I am not good with physical pain. I don't have a subspace or know how to release myself from it.
But lately i have discovered the joy of sharing.
I let the pain go through me someone else. Like an electric wire. Feel the current enter me in one point and leave me in another.
I have always revelled in the expressions of anguish I inflict. The look of suffering and hopelessness in their eyes exhilerates me... Makes me feel alive.
Sharing the pain inflicted upon me- fowarding it as if i am only part of the chain and not a traget myself - sends the blood rushing even higher. I cannot explain even to myself the rush i get...
Finding myself in a never-ending circle of physical pain.Receiving and returning and recycling the pain.... For a blissful moment I am not alone. I feel the true meaning of sharing. Linked together by pain.... It is a strong bond. And for a fleeting moment it lasts an eternity...
Don't tell anyone
But in spite of everything
In spite of myself
I still want
A relationship
The horror
It is cold at nights. Very cold.
But my insides are warm. Bubbling from excitement. There are so many possibilities out there.so many innocent souls to corrupt. So many toys to play with.
Winter has come.or maybe Christmas. I am no longer in the need for a relationship. Celebrating my freedom is enough..
Winter has come and with it a promiss for new beginings
Sometimes i think that freedom is overrated.
I want a partner that once we make the choice to be together will never leave me.
I know I can make them happy and never regret the choice.
But I need to know they will be there. That is my once request.
For some reason people have a tendency to leave once given the choice...
I rarely let someone so deep into my life. But when i do i am total about it.
I have let you in. Let you in as deep as you wanted. Into my home. I trusted you like I will never trust anyone ever again.
You promised to protect me. To help me grow.
When I had doubts you promised to protect me from my demons. Nothing bad will happen to you under my watch. You said.
But you have failed me. I was attacked by all my demons at once. Then one after the other. Under your watch. I feel lonely and betrayed not just by you. But also by me because I have taken a risk with you. A risk I will never take again
Weekends always have a promise containd within them. A promise for an adrenalin rush, For something Great to happen. For a new ME to emerge.
Weekends always end with a disapointment. Plans change, parties are missed - and the ones I end up in tend to be lame. People don't show up. Or the mood is gone.
And then another week begins - and with it another fantasy about the coming weekend
Gosh I hate it. I always end up sleeping too much and doing too little. and too much of it is spent alone...
The good news is that my mood is slightly better. The bad news is that my muse is gone....
I am back on the path of eternal search.
I know not where to search of if I will find what I seek for. There are no short cuts. I have checked them all out in vain.
The path is long and winding. With lots of obstacles. All i can hope for is some help and company along the way
Why does life need to be so hard? Why can't I just find happiness for once in my life? Something that will last a lifetime. I am smart and pretty and have everything going for me. But it is not enough. I am not enough....
