My secret land

No matter how much I try, and believe me I try my absolute best, I can never hurt myself as good as others can.

Human connections are hard. Time and time again I'm reminded how unsuitable I am for a mature society. I have no energy to nurture relations and no patience for strangers.

How do you know if someone is worth the effort pf getting to know them?

You don't. Not until you've gotten to know them. Ain't that a bitch.

I doom myself to suffer no matter the actions I take, whether I choose solitude or subject myself to awkward social interaction, the pain is constant.

Can I skip all that and be ok please?

Birthdays are important to me, they're special, indulgent and preformative. Yet I lost interest, I no longer trust myself to treat me right.

I never did, really. I let other people do it, spoil me like I won't let them any other time. But I've been burned, forgotten and discarded, mostly just grew up.

What can I do for my birthday this year to restore my faith in hedonism?

It's the middle of the night again, I need to be up in a couple of hours, and yet I can't sleep.

My stomach churns and my skin prickels. I need to let go of my reservations and free fall into madness.  Drown in my own insanity. That's the only way back to myself.

I've lost me so long ago, I'm afraid of what I might find when I get back to myself.

There are not enough hours to sleep. I want a vacation,  I want to sleep for weeks on end and do nothing but read smut and watch cartoons.

Mostly, I want to shuck all responsibility.

I'm mostly a cis woman, I'm comfortable in my body and my girlish ways.

Yet I find myself more often then not fantasizing about a cute boy choking on my cock, about fucking him into the mattress so hard he cries and draping my body flush against his back, all hard muscles and sharp lines.

I'm so gay I like women when I think of myself as one and men when I fantasize about my cock.

I'm so tired 😫

I want someone soft to choke me unconscious and cuddle me to sleep.

If they want to keep playing with me while I'm out I won't resist.

I really should be sleeping, but the last couple of weeks I find myself falling into old patterns. The excessive reading, mostly of smut, the insomnia, the self flagellation. I'm still a somewhat responsible adult,  getting to work on time, making a salad. But I eat less, my body getting used again to the feeling hunger. My mind getting used again to operate sleep deprived. My bank account draining with useless purchases that I absolutely need. I never really "got better", I was always just me, detached from society and carving my own way to nowhere. For now I'll go back to binging Spider-Man The Animated Series and masturbating just like every other night this week. Fun for me.

שכחתי שהאתר הזה קיים.

אולי אני אחזור לכתוב פה, אני מתגעגעת לישראבלוג.

שיהיה לכולנו בהצלחה.

מי רוצה לבוא לשחק עם החבר שלי ואיתי עכשיו?