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Fuck my existence is so liquid right now...
Everything is swimming and twisting and time does not exist.
I'm keeping that state until at least tomorrow at noon.
What and how many stupiditys can I make until then?
I don't know if I'm a saint, the most selfless person in the world; or just that self destructive.
I feel like both when I should feel like neither, it's hard to respect myself with those tendencies to harm others.
I'm so tired. So completely drained and yet choosing to keep going.
I don't understand myself sometimes, can't anticipate what would break me, can't figure out what could pull me up.
I don't want all the healing and bettering myself. Why do I then? it's hard work, and yet it happens without me noticing. It's like all those shit spam apps like AI bullshit or pirates using your RAM and making your computer slower then a grandma that got shipped off to a nursing home.
That's why I break down so easily, my reserves are already depleted. It's also how they feel full so quickly, the maximum I know is quite low.
My head should always be slightly delirious.
I haven't been here in a while. Did something change?
I'm gonna be an angsty teenager and write like it's Israblog in 2012.
Wax poetics about the beauty in distuction and how the abyss lures me to submission and lulles the demons trying to keep me awake.
I'm ok. I swear. And if I'm not it mine and mine alone.
Fuckkkkkkk
How fucking stupid can I be???
Don't people usually feel good when they do something kind?
תודה למי שהגיב לפוסט הקודם,
אבל אני יודעת איפה אפשר למכור, שאלתי אם מישהו טוב בזה, כי אם זה יהיה תלוי בי הם יישארו בחדר עד עולמות. לפחות הספרים.
או שאני אתייאש ואמסור אותם, וחבל כי אני צריכה כסף.
I'm so fucking tired.
I'm scared I need too much help to be happy, to have fun.
I don't want to be dependent on outside resources, but I will if that's what it takes.
There's too much I don't want to be doing. So much that goes over my head, so many mistakes.
Is anyone good at selling thing on the internet?
I have a bunch of clothes and books I need to unload.
I feel small
Like I need to be carried to bad and tucked in.
Like I need reminders to eat and drink and piss, cause I just forget that I have basic bodily functions.
I also need to be alone, take care of myself, be satisfied with the millions of reminds that I am loved even if it's from a far.
I'm so greedy, can never have enough. Always more and more no matter how broken I am.
It's just not enough. Nothing is enough to be worth all of it.
The substances make it good for a while, but I can't always rely on them, that's a dangerous path.
One that I want to take, but they won't let me, they love me too much. They care about me too much. The fucking bustards.
I wish I wouldn't hurt you so much, I really do, but I don’t seem to be able to change who I am. I'm sorry.
Is there anything to do tonight?
I'm not asking for propositions, I want parties.
I'm horny and cuddly but my boy is in a bd mood and I don't want to bother him.
Also he's in a bad mood so telling him I'm gonna find those things with someone else tonight wouldn't help.
I'm not sure what I want to do.
Of course I can go out and he will deal with his feelings, that's what he tells me to do.
But I know there are consequences to my actions. I hate it but I've learned it the hard way.
I want to get really fucked up.
