My secret land

I'm so fucking tired

So tired

So so tired

Fucking exhausted.

I want to burn out. Push myself until I have no choice but collapse in a bundle on the bad and loose consciousness for 38 hours.

Just knocked out dead for as long as possible. Longer if the ones who love me won't interfere.

Let me burn so hot there'll be nothing left afterwards.

Let me get so high and fuck so hard. And then get even higher and get fucked even harder. so, when I can't keep my eyes open anymore and my limbs are too heavy to respond, I'll drift peacefully into darkness. only the faint lingering touches lulling me from my little death to his big sister's embrace.

Do I want to sabotage things?

Kinda feel like I'm going to. Kinda feel like  need to.

Kinda feel like I'm dead. Dead. Dead.

It's so sad I'm not.

I don't know if I need a hug or a slap. Maybe both.

Maybe I don't deserve either.

Fucking Amsterdam man...

I've never been abroad alone like that, I like it. I can do whatever I want.

Going to a party tonight, I'm supposed I'm hopeful.

למישהו יש המלצות לאמסטרדם?

אתה לא יכול להראות לי החמישייה הקאמרית ולא לאהוב את סיפורי פוגי, זה לא הגיוני.

לפעמים אני חושבת שאני בכלל לא מכירה אותך וזה מפחיד אותי כל כך.

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck

I'm so stupid  so self centered and oblivious and just a fucking asshole.

I can't change my stupid decisions, all I can do is work on my blind spots so it won't happen again.

But how do I figure out where my blind spots are? Their all thing is being hidden from me specifically.

This all human being bullshit fucking sucks. I don't want to get it so wrong. I want to go back to doing nothing so I can't make mistakes.

Remember the last post?

Apparently that was the high point.

It's amazing how I feel happy today. With good friends and conversations and a movie.

Yesterday too, initiating a party and having fun.

Maybe this blog is good for tracking my mood swings.

Isn't it funny that I started to notice the abrupt changes in my moods when I started taking mood stabilizers?

Let's ride this tide all the way to the party on Friday.

We'll see how long it lasts this time.

I am going out 😁

With my brother of all people 😹

Do I feel like doing something after work?

I'm not sure.

I'm so tired but not sleepy.

I think I need to exhaust myself so I could actually sleep.

Or take a pill.

Am I feeling?

Or just existing?

Do I want to feel? To exist?

Mostly no. Depends. It's complicated.

Yet very clear, very secure.

I know my values, my desires, my goals in life; or lack they're off.

I will keep on floating.

Keep on experiencing.

I will feel until the very last moment.

I will chose my moment.

One way or another.