זה השיר השביעי שנכתב בתחילת מאי.
החלק הראשון והמולחן שלו נוצר בשיעור עם בן כשהוא הציע שאשתמש דווקא במלודיה מופנמת ורגועה (זה היה אמור להיות שיר שמביע כעס).
לא הייתי בטוח שאני לא בעצם מפעיל על עצמי את אותה צנזורה עצמית שאני מנסה להשתחרר ממנה. את החלק השני כתבתי בחופשיות ללא מבנה, ולא היה ברור אם הוא יהיה סוג של ראפ או מה. זה נשאר כסימפוניה לא גמורה מאז. התנצלתי בפני בן כשהשחתתי את נפשו הרכה עם התכנים הקשים האלה בשיעור לאחר מכן. (הוא דווקא היה מכיל, הקריא לי את הטקסט בקולו ועזר לחשוב איך לעשות מזה מוזיקה). שלשום בעקבות הסופ״ש המזוויע הרגשתי שאני רוצה ויכול להשלים את זה, ושזה יהיה קטע spoken word על רקע הלחן של הקטע המולחן. אלו לא תכנים יפים ואין סיבה להפוך אותם לכאלו.
11 שירים כתובים ומולחנים. נשאר אחד אחרון וכל מה שאני יודע עליו זה שהוא צריך להיות סימן קריאה ענקי ובוער עם מלא סימני שאלה בתוכו.
Can i be angry
For how they scarred me
Reclaim my body
Let go of rage inside me
Living with abuse
I did not stop loving
Living with abuse
Plagued me with self loathing
Can it be allowed
Voicing ugly feelings
Can i scream out loud
Trauma keeps repeating
Can I criticize
Locked boiling inside
What’s a proper time
Get this off my mind
Living with abuse
Desperate for approval
Gluey garbage juice
Gratitude’s a prison
Can it be allowed
Voicing ugly feelings
Can i scream out loud
Trauma keeps repeating
All the abuse
Didn’t make me love them less
It just made me hate myself more
Is it okay to look forward to her death
Staring coldly as she gasps her last breath
She dropped me repeatedly
Misused my submissive tendency
My pleasing nature
My insecurities
My difficulty to say no
She rushed me when I couldn’t breath
Shoved me in a box that didn’t fit
Abandoned me when I needed the most
Degraded me as a child, a teen, a man
That Saturday evening was supposed to be our special time together
But she invited someone to fuck her while i sat in the corner and watched
She pumped herself up with different drugs
When she should have been responsible for me
One pale early morning she came back home
She made me lick her ass while telling
The guy she just fucked came in there twice
Twice
Without protection
She used to beat me with her walking sticks
When she lost her temper
She locked me out of the house
And confiscated my guitar as punishment
She didn’t care I was obviously miserable
Refused to see she was a huge part of the problem
She wouldn’t stop even though I was clearly suffering
It probably just turned her on more
Playing with her phone while I expressed painful emotions
Apologizing then doing the same shit again
Using me as her mentor and her therapist
Draining me up and never filling back up
Going out to suck cock and leaving me home alone
With broken ribs after heart surgery
I couldn’t believe how after all those years in the BDSM community
She honestly didn’t know what aftercare is
Giving away my seat next to her at dinner
To some stranger on the boat in the Maldives diving safari
I fantasized it would be a second honeymoon
Turned out a traumatic nightmare
Back home the doctor put me on benzos and sleeping pills
Cause I felt suffocated and short of breath
I couldn’t sleep
And I still can’t
She saw me struggle with addiction and added more tension
Constantly talking in bed about how what she really wanted were other men
Laughing at my dick for years till I hated my body
And lost all my confidence and trust in pleasure and in people
Dismissing and gaslighting when i spoke out the truth
Using money as means of control
Attacking me with violent rage
When she saw me chatting online and smiling for once
That girl who made me smile didn’t disclose she was married before we met
I was flooded with smitterness for a couple of months
But then one night she intentionally spilled two shots of whiskey on the kitchen floor
And made me lick it
Cause she thought it would make me drink less
After that I wasn’t smiling anymore
And my drinking became worst
All the abuse
Didn’t make me love them less
It just made me hate myself more
And gradually sucked out
My joy
My belief
And my will to live