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I'm not a ‘quotes’ person, but there is a saying that stuck with me through the years.
How is it called when one person is talking?
A monologue.
Ok, how is it called when two people are talking?
Two monologues.
Next time you are having a conversation, check that it’s a dialog. It takes two to tango, maybe it’s you who fucking things up...
Short version:
Because I’m fucked up.
The Long version:
I actively use Russian, English and Hebrew in my life. At times in the same sentence, but more about that later.
Russian
My mother tongue is Russian. I came here, 13 years of age from the land of the dying USSR. I enjoy reading in Russian the most. Your native language is the only one you truly understand. With all the nuances and the emotional responses. For example, words that I consider vulgar in Russian, I use much freely in Hebrew and English. Mainly, because I lack the same level of “feeling” for the language, as I do in Russian.
English
English has entered my life with the “quest” computer games and the IRC chat rooms somewhere around 1994. Later on, I became a full-blown computer professional and spent all my time with computers in the Hi-Tech industry. All the written communication, in all the companies I worked for, was in English. It created this weird reality for me, where you write in English, but speak in Hebrew.
Hebrew
As the quote from the Pulp Fiction goes: “Hebrew, motherfucker, do you speak it?”
I actually do! That’s the writing I’m having problems with.
From the high school, through the army, the university and the workplace, I speak Hebrew quite well. I just did not have many chances to practice my writing. It started with most of my friends being “russians”. So, using Russian was easier for everybody. Now, all my friends know English and don’t mind me using it when writing to them.
The Mess
I speak Russian with my family. Would read a science fiction book in Russian to enjoy it.
Write and read a lot (mostly technical stuff) in English. Speak to my foreign friends occasionally.
Speak Hebrew with my friends and coworkers. Read/Write Hebrew only when I have to.
Small FuckUp
Actively using (and thinking in) different languages messes with your brain neuro-paths. When I’m speaking with someone, my mind would fetch the word from the fastest path, without considering the language. For example, when I speak with my wife, who also knows the same languages, it happens a lot that all 3 of them are getting used. I don’t like it very much, but it’s a tradeoff between spending the time recalling the word and continuing the conversation.
Big FuckUp
It’s embarrassing to admit, but after living here for almost 30 years, I speak Hebrew - well. I read Hebrew, but it’s slow and unpleasant for me. I can’t really write Hebrew without relying heavily on a spell-checker or my wife.
It’s time for me to do something about it. So, when I write someone a message, I’m forcing myself to use Hebrew. The same goes for comments and whatnot. But, writing a blog post is different. I want to write it as it comes into my head. It doesn’t work the same, when I need to stop and check the spelling every 3rd word or so.
I’m not 100% sure writing in English is the right call. Maybe I should bite the bullet and switch to Hebrew here as well. Time will tell.
I love dogs. We had dogs for years. At different times we had 1, 2 and 3 dogs at once in our home.
Dogs operate in packs with strictly defined hierarchy. I’m not sure if a dog can be a sub, or is it just the lack of dominance, but the power dynamics is obvious when you observe them.
Not always this hierarchy works well for the dogs. For most of the time, we had an alpha female and a “sub” male. When we had a third dog accepting her dominance, we had a happy pack. But, some time before that, we had an uncompromising alpha male. Him and the female were literally at each other's throats every time I wasn’t home. Not a very nice experience for us and I doubt they enjoyed it either.
Dogs consider people they live with as part of their pack. And so, whether you like it or not, you will be evaluated and placed in this pack hierarchy. It’s easy to spot when the dog does not consider his owner above him. Not only in term of obedience, but in terms of protection as well. I saw, once and again, someone higher in the hierarchy protecting a lower positioned pack member (including a human).
While I was the head of my family pack, the consequences still surprised me from time to time.
In my absence, the alpha female considered herself the pack leader. She pretty much did whatever she wanted to, when I was away. And so, she found a way to escape from the yard. She actually found more than one way, being extremely intelligent bitch she was ;)
She made one of my family member very miserable and stressed by her escapes. Then, this one time, she forgot that I was at home, or something outside drew her attention too much, and escaped. I was very annoyed by her behavior, got out quickly and forgot to take the leash with me. I called her and she came to me. Then told her to come with me and she did. The thing is, I didn’t train her explicitly to walk by me without a leash. It turned out, I didn’t need to. The power dynamics did it for me. It was a very nice surprise for me!
One day, we were visiting someone and they had a new dog. I like dogs, and without thinking twice, I approached to play with it. I did forget that it’s not my dog, and we didn’t figure out the hierarchy between us yet. I took his head into my hands and stared into his eyes. I do that with my dogs. I like it. If you know anything about dogs, you know that it’s a challenge for dominance for them. For a split second he was confused, and then attacked me. I didn’t mind, but it made the people we visited very uncomfortable and embarrassed. No real violence happened that day, but it was a lesson for me.
Us, the humans, unlike dogs, can reason about, and choose our behavior. I don’t challenge other people’s dogs anymore 😄 In the same manner, I choose when and where it is important to me to establish my dominance. Frankly, the less I care about the people or the situation, the lower the chance that I will choose to express my dominant side. I will not tolerate violence (physical or else) against me or someone I care about, but otherwise, meh, I don’t care.
And so, I love dogs. Dogs are nice, but people can choose ...
It's weird. I’m not the writing type. I read a lot. I stay in the shadows. I don't post things on the social media. You could almost call me an introvert.
It's weird that my first blog entry would be here, at the cage, but here it is.
The Journey
We, me and my wife, were talking for ages about the forced monogamy working poorly for the human kind. It’s pretty evident when you look at all the side quests that married people embark on, just to get back a little excitement into their life.
Then, not that long ago, we decided to open our relationship and allow each other to have fun.
It sounds simple, but it’s not. It rises, all at once, so many trust and self confidence and couples dynamics issues that I could write a whole post about it. For now, let me just say that it’s the best thing that happened to us in the past decade. It brought lots of thinking and talking and self exploration. It also made our sex life much more playful and kinky.
One day, on one of the dating sites, I was exposed to some D/s play going on. There was a girl, she was looking for 24 men to fuck her. It was a present/assignment by her Master on her 24th birthday.
The chat with her touched something very deep in me. Something that was there the whole time, but forgotten and suppressed. Next I red, the “Master Nage's Guide to Training Consensual Slaves” book. It’s not a good fit for a beginner, but it shows the depth and complexity of the D/s world.
Living in Israel and speaking Hebrew (I do prefer to write in English) I found myself at the cage.
Am I a Dom?
I am an Alpha person, but frankly, I don’t know. Our current mental state and behaviour is part us, part education and society. I'm pretty sure that urges awaken in me by that girl are not part of my education 😉 However, society has so much to say about how to behave yourself with women, and surely it effects me as well.
Reflecting on the sources of my motivation and changing the behavior is not new to me. However, in the vanilla world, these topics are so basic and unchallenged that I never did.
And so, it’s time to dig in and explore…
What’s next?
I am a honest and decent man (this _is_ part of my core personality). I would not try to sell myself as an experienced Dom to score some playtime and experience.
I do hope that I will meet some people at the cage, that would help me with the exploration.
Ideally, a mentor, but that sounds a bit like a fantasy to me. We’ll see what happens next.
