המתת השור

Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 08:53:27 +0100
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It is 2 in the morning, and although I took half of a sleeping pill, I
can't sleep. I have tried to get into this text about European marriage
pattern .....but I am not so interested. I have put a Mahler
symphony.....He speaks of the joy and pain of life. To pain, I would like
to relate tonight and, please permit me to undress myself a bit in front
of you, tonight.....I feel that I am so much in pain....
It started almost a year and a half ago.....I discovered that all these
fantasies that I had about making love to women had actually a name : being
a lesbian....I discovered my first love through the internet. She was a
fiery Italian. We met in Rome but we never made love.......I met another
lover, again through the internet, this time in Marseilles; but again she
was taken, so we had an intense flirt, my first caresses but nothing more.
I came back, determinate to find a lover at home. So determinate......;
I was already, in a year and a half relationship long with a man. Himself,
engaged with another woman whom he wanted to leave for a long time but
never got really the courage to do so.....So, while he was taking his time
seperate, we had a regular relationship, based on mutual comfort. I felt
confortable in one way and in another, could explore my discovery......I
had it both ways......and he did not really understand the meaning for a
woman of loving another woman.
The lover came all right, in the shape of a beautiful butch who so
innocently, asked for my telephone number. You see, at first, I was not
used to this buch look, so I thought she was terribly ugly, with no
feminine attribute whatsoever, with no make up on, nothing that you could
relate to any kind of decorative aspect....and I was so shocked because I
was so feminine at that time.
Everything was so innocent at first; she offered to help with Sociology; I
was sincerely interested. But, when she called the day and left a message
in my answering machine, I knew that she had other intentions and I did not
want to let the opportunity slip through.....
We met for dinner....she could not eat a thing.....she only looked at me
and spoke little.....I felt on top of everything......I was so
unconscious.....Soon enough, we were kissing in a long and passionate kiss
in the car......when she came out of the car, she was jay walking and I
felt on top of the world.......
Soon enough too, we fell in love one with eachother.....I fell for her head
over heals.....she was 25 years old and I was 39. She was already involved
in another relationship, somebody that I knew too and I was, myself,
involved with my boyfriend.....
The first 5 months were one of the most passionate months of my life......I
discovered my sexuality and I let her discover an openess in sexuality she
never had....We were fascinated one by eachother....there was a whole world
where we sank in with pleasure and feelings....

the rest will follow.....