המתת השור

that I wish I could find a man on which i would put my shoulder and never worry about the rest of my life.
I have had so little giving frm others, that i have no more strentgh to spare

I have survived so much much of my life, and lived so little really
i never had the solid frame on which to grow
i had to provide the whole basis
and i was already so lost
from the very beginning

why do women get these fantasies about men protecting them ?
why do eve get this dream today
and imean emotionally
no man is able to be mature and stable enough to provide that to a woman
they confuse it sometimes with strength
and over self confidence
it is only that society has given them better tools to belive in themselves

for a long long period of I did everything alone in my life
i had no help whatoever
and have hope deeply in my heart
that one day somebody would come alone
and along
but lately, after this crucial decision of making a child
i realized that I have made my peace with this loneliness at heart
with this so deep wound that alwys stayed true, wide large, and exhaustive
that I have to make peace with this abandonment fear
the very source of my feeling of loneliness
the source

i have closed the doors of my heart to many
around me
i have this dispationte look at them and very little suprise me anymore about them

i have grown old
not stronger
i am 50

strolling around the other day, i was thinking that in the past, i had met so many men for which i had to explain the meaning of the word love
until i understand that if they needed an explanation, it was not worth the effort from the very beginning
by association, i started to project the same approach towards these who cannot understand the minimal empathy
when you have to fight for your own entity
but this it gets more complicated

i met one man or two in my life with that characteristic.
i think that up to today, we have unsaid issues but it is so late
it is too late
he saw in me '
litelleraly saw in me

i let him. have no regrets
he must have been a great lover

i long for the touch and tender of a man would know how to love
love is a grace, not a technic
and certainly not so much attached to pragmatic reasons of comfort

i would like to finish on a positive note
i dont have none tonight