Sweet surrender

I have always been the harshest judge of myself. Nobody on this planet can ever pass judgment on me the way that I do to myself. I tend to be quite extreme usually.For most of my life I veiwed myself in a very ugly light. It was my way of life, it was my comfort zone.
About 11 years ago I went through a life altering experience. This experience set me on the path of attempting to heal myself from the inside out.
I worked soo hard at this. I had to deal with pain that was buried so deep, it seemed at times that I thought I was imagining it. No way could I have had such pain inside and not gone insane. This proved to me that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, and that I was destined for greater thing in life.
One of the hardest lesson that I tried to learn on this journey was to be proud of myself, and all the good and positive traits that I hold. I had to leave the victim zone and tackle new territory. It took so many years to be able to see that I'm not so bad and disgusting when it all boils down. I have good in me, I have love in me, I have compassion, trust, faith, passion and I'm kindda sexy as well.
When I wore those shoes they felt much to big at first, but slowly I grew in to them. Mind you that I never forgot all of the shit,it'just moved over into the passenger seat for a while.
I don't know when or why it happened, but some time ago all of the good got locked up in the the trunk of the car. And I miss it, terribly. It's gotten to the point where I don't see, hear or belive anything possitive about myself. I would rather not hear to be honest.It makes me very uncomftorble. And I think that it's false. A few days ago I was at the wedding of a colleage. When introduced to a a friend of her's, the lady said, that she had been toldthat I was amazing and very beautiful, but now that she was finally meeting me, she could safley say that I was stunning and gorgeous. Sounds nice right? It made me sick all night.. At that instant I lost all and any respect I might ever have for this woman.
I'm back to square one it seems. I wish I could go through a crash course and revive the lessons that I learned along the way, but that seems to be wishfull thinking.
Eleven years ago I when I started out on this path, I remember asking myself when would the day come that I would be done with travling down this winding road. Now eleven years wiser I know that it never ends. Life will always show me new things, I just need to keep my navigation maps close by, in my heart. That way I won't get lost.