Sweet surrender

I used to write some pretty good shit! If I say so myself.
Too bad I don't give a shit about all this shit anymore.
Somehow being deep in crap squeezes out creative juices.

Another rough night was to be had by me. I'm trying to keep my spirits high, but this medical problom is starting to get on my nerves.
This night was much different though. I had dreams of the subliminal sort. The kind where you understand so much. It was so intense, that I was gratfull, for the urgent wake ups to go and vomit.
I finally awoke with an intense feeling of helplessness, dread and imenses sadness. I've been trying to shake it off for the last hour and a half. I have to start the day on a positive note.
I did feel warmth wash over me, when I remembered that the man whom I love most is celebrating a birthday today. I'm so very happy that he came into my life and showed me so many good times and lots of love. So I will leave the icky feeling behind for now, and focus on the good.
I love you my sweet, darling Ru_vash. Happy birthday!
Tulsa

Last night we watched the the live concert of the great Leonard Cohen.
We sat there mezmerized by a poem of his that he recited.
The depth and beauty of his words sent shivers though my body.
We also came to the conclussion that he like his sex kinky, and has the traits of a male sub. So here it is, enjoy.





LEONARD COHEN




"A Thousand Kisses Deep"

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it’s done –
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it’s real,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed,
I’m back on Boogie Street.
You lose your grip, and then you slip
Into the Masterpiece.
And maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep:
You ditch it all to stay alive,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

Confined to sex, we pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
I made it to the forward deck.
I blessed our remnant fleet –
And then consented to be wrecked,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed,
I’m back on Boogie Street.
I guess they won’t exchange the gifts
That you were meant to keep.
And quiet is the thought of you,
The file on you complete,
Except what we forgot to do,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

And sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go,
A Thousand Kisses Deep.

The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat . . .

A person needs to be honest with themselves in life.
They need to know where they've won and where they've lost.
In all honesty almost everything that I won in life, I ended up losing.
They need to know where they excelled, and where they were medioce.
To be quite honest, where I thought that I excelled, I was judged at being medioce, and where I thought myself to be medioce, I was praised on my excellance.
It is said in life, that it is better to give than to recieve.
I can agree with that one. But there is one snitch. When I recieved, it was only for a stollen moment. Only to be burried away in th graveyard of my memories.
When I had acceptance and understanding I had all the riches in the world, despite the fact that I didn't have a penny to my name.
When my bank account showed prosperity and wealth, but I lacked acceptance and understanding from the world I was a pouper.
I have learned in my lifetime that good grows from the bad.
I have learned that if you always search for security, you never really live.
I know that I am a cammilion. I can easily addapt myself to changes in my life.
But the big question is, when does a person finally learn to embrace their destiny?
When do we try and stop fighting the windmills and become one with fate?
Is it while we can still comprehend that we had a life and lived it the best that we knew how to?
Or does it come too late, when deaths door opens before us and beckons us to pass over?

Me and suprises don't get along so well.
Everytime someone close to me tries to plan a suprise for me, it usually blows up in their faces.
I have this problom, that is hard for me to control. The truth is that I never really tried to deal with it.
All of my early memories of suprises were quite painfull. If it was a suprise beating from my parents, or a suprise attempt at incest, or a suprise gang rape.
I hate suprises to this day. I have the reputation of being unsuprisable. I always ruin the suprise somehow or someway.
I have to. I have no other choice. In my mind, if I can control the suprise and be prepared, then I have less of a chance of getting hurt.
The only problom with my theory is that I end up hurting those who are closest to me.
I would love to be a bitch and say better them than me, but that isn't the case.
It's always the same story with these things. The biggest suprise is that of the well wisher. They all have the same reaction. Suprise and hurt.
Sorry.

I feel as if I have been watching my life from the sidelines for quite some time.
I can see and understand what is happening, but I feel powerless to intervine.
I also feel weak to do anything about it.
I can see the ship sailing away, and I can't find the voice in me to shout out " Wait for me".
I am furious at myself for allowing my life to go on with out me.
Deep inside the fires of passion still burn, but on the outside all is stone cold.
I need a jolt to bring me back to the living, but I'm scared.
The older I get the more cowadly I become.
No more rightous fighter searching for truth and justice. Now I am a brittle leaf in the wind.

. Goodbye Timidslut
The time has come for us to part our separate ways.
For four years you served me well. Now seeing as I'm not so timid, and not so much of a slut, I felt that a change was needed.
I had been searching for a long time for a new name together with Master.
Nothing felt right and nothing quite fit.
And then when we stopped trying so hard to come up with something it fell into our lap a few weeks ago.
I decided to hold off until tonight before changing my name.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I wanted a fresh start.
So here goes, is everybody out there ready?
I would like you all to meet Tulsa.

In all of the confussion.
Through all of the highs and lows.
Past insecurites and towards growth.
The seeds of love rooted themselves strongly.
The buds flowered, and blossomed into something quite special.
The love deepens and takes on new dimenssions constantly/
I don't know much, but I do know that my most far fetched fantasies and dreams are the sanest, purest, most realistic part of my life.
You are my one and only, and my insperation for moving foward and moving up.

עכשיו שאתה כאן ליידי, כל כך קרוב אלי אני יכולה סוף סוף להבין מה זה באמת להיות מלאה ועשירה.
רק לך יש את היכולת לגרום לי לרגיש כמו שאף פעם לא חלמתי לרגיש.
אני אוהבת אותך בכל ליבי ונפשי מאסטר שלי.

I have found myself doing alot of sping cleaning in my life.
The type of cleaning I have been doing is cutting ties with people that don't fit in with my way of life and thinking.
I have slowly and nicely stopped contact with those who were a daily part of my life.
I saw that they didn't want what was best for me any more. I gave and gave and got short handed at every turn.
I consider myself to be a good friend to others. I have been known to make bad judgment calls at times and hurt people that I care about.
Some have overcome these incidents, others have not.
I am also aware that I have aquired quite a few enemies. Those same people who never really gave a damn about me at all. All that they cared about was their own satisfaction.
Some years back when I was into my spiritual, shanti bullshit phase, a teacher of mine said that anyone who doesn't have our best intrests and happiness in front of themselves should be gracfully removed from our lives.
At first it was very hard for me to do, but I managed.
After some years I actually found myself in contact with these same people that I had released. The change was that this time around the relationship was healthier, and more balanced.
I don't see myself ever renewing contact with those who ignored my exsitance.
With those who I have set free, I might.
I never forget the good things that someone has done to me reguardless of the pain that they may have caused me.
In my own personal world I need to keep it real. I have been lied to and lived lies in the past and won't endure bullshit anymore. Entrance is open only for the real people out there where ever they may be.
I am blessed with a few special people who are always there for me no matter what.
Who ever said that less is more wasn't kidding.