Sweet surrender

I guess that I'm at that point in life where a person usually digs deep inside theirselves and looks for answers to the millions of unanswered questions.
My head is working over time, and I rarely find any logic.
Several years ago when I was in my spiritual stage in life one of my mentors at the time said something to me that snapped me out of my childish way of looking at life.
He said that right now is the time. There are no dress rehersals, there is no second chance. This is the grand performance, and this is the round that counts.
His words haunt me daily. I have to make it right, and I have to make it good.
I can't keep drifting through in a half coma state anymore, because there will be no way to retrieve lost yesterdays.
I listen to this this song quite alot lately. It's words usually manage to fill me with a sliver of hope.

Coldplay ---Lost
__________________
Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I will cross

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I’ve tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off…

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn’t mean you’ve won
‘Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you’ll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off…

I have been asking myself this question for so long, " How come"
I asked myself this question again yesterday , "How come"
I don't have a certain answer, only several speculations.
How come I make myself stay around unpleasent, and humiliating situations?
Why can't I tell the offender to fuck off? I won't be treated or spoken to in that way?
Why can't I do the cowardly thing and just walk away or hang up the phone?
Why do I always take the blow, swallow my saliva, and try and smooth things over?
Why do I care so much if the offender is satisfied or not?
I want to be able to stand up for myself and push away all the meaness.
But I can't. It just isn't as simple as it seems.
I was once assulted long ago. I was violated in the worst way possible.
Due to that I have a P.T.S.D.
Way back when when all that shit happened, I did try and fight back, but I also knew that if I continued I would be slautered. So I was passive and accepted my destiny in order to survive. I have been marked for life because I carry around with me this passive survival instinct with me all the time.
When ever I am attacked verbally, or emotionally, I am striken with fear.
I take all that the dealer deals out, and I even try and make things right with them.
I know that nobody has any right to treat me in such a nasty way, but I allow it.
I don't seem to know how to put a stop to it. I get scared just at the thought of confertaion.
I do have a amazing man in my life that builds me up and strengthens me, but he's not always around to protect me. I listen to his wise advice, and try to do what he advises, but I can't, I'm to scared.
I wish that all of these assholes would just fuck off and find another victim.
I don't feel like being anybody's doormat or punching bag, been there done that.
And how come these charecters need to insult another person on order to feel stong and in control?

You are always there to catch me when I fall.
You soften the landing, by having me lean on you.
You brush off the dust and straighten me up.
You speak words of wisdom and understanding.
You take me into the strength of your arms and make me feel safe.
It's nice to know that for once in my life I don't need to fear the fall.
I know that you will be there to catch me.
I'm glad that I fell so hard years ago, in love with you.

! איזה גיל מחורבן! משהו צריך לכנס אלי הביתה אם מצלמות ולצלם תוכית ריאליטי בשם "השרדות גיל התבגרות"
בני שיהיה בריא בן 13 מבחוץ נירא גבר גבר. הבעיה ששיכלית ורגשית הוא לא עבר את גיל 7.
בחיי שאין לי כוח.עד מתי? משהו יכול להגיד לי? נסיעה תמימה ל"עיר" הגדולה לידינו יסתיים בבזבוז כמה מאות שקלים, תספורת מטורפת, ישיבה כמה שעות אם חברים באיזו חור שנקרא " כיכר הנרגילה" ונסיעה הביתה להרים במונית. אני פוחדת לשלוח אותו מחר לטיול השנתי. אין לי ראש לטלפונים באמצע הלילה. הילד הזה,הגבר הזה, הגבאר, היה עד לא מזמן הפג השברירי שלי. קטן ,ורך,וחלש.מתי כל המהפך קרה? לא שמתי לב. אף אחד לא יכין אותי מראש.
גם אני הייתי בת 13 פעם. ואלוהים כמה בלאגנים עשיתי להורים המסכנים שלי. אבל היה הבדל אחד גדול. שהורי עידיפו לא לדעת, ואני קרציה שצריכה לדעת כל דבר שקורא איתו. הצילו! משהו? כל טיפ יתקבל בברכה. אני עוד שניה קופצת מהצוק לייד הבית

I'm sitting here having waves of random thoughts invade my head. All of them of are of you. I found myself laughing. We've had some pretty good times you and me. And some very funny ones as well. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. After more than three years, you still make me laugh. You should be proud of yourself, most guys never made me laugh anymore after the second date. You sure do have a talent, and I cherish it.

The buds of creation are spurting up inside of me. Something moved, was jolted from it's place of resting. With it came a new chanel for releasing the creativity. A new day has dawned. I feel like even the impossible can be taken on with great ease. It wasn't just one thing that sparked this , but a culmination of thoughts, events, and inner speculation. No one can know what the future holds for them, and nor do I. I just know that it will be alright no matter what. I shall steer myself in that direction and make sure of it. I feel as if I can start allowing myself to shine. Big and bright. I can even try and reach for the stars.

I have been reassured today that I am in the place that is right for me.
With time comes routine and all that is known. I needed to shake it all up.
I had to find out if I had perhaps stumbled into something that didn't suit the real me.
But I didn't. I was made for this and it was made for me.
I just need to find the ballance and the way to allow myself to just be.
It was an eye opener. And I loved it.
Thank you for giving me this wake up call and putting me back on track.

Lately, I restarted my Yahoo messenger.
I haven't been there for a couple of years.When I signed in and the window of contacts opened up I saw your name there. My heart skipped a beat. I think I even gasped. Then I remembered that you have been dead for two and a half years. And I was reminded of how much I miss you, and need you in my life.
I decided not to erase your name from my contacts. It makes me feel good to see you there, even if it's just for pretend. I can even imagine that your just not online at the moment and might reconnect soon.
I don't like to have to deal with your death all of the time, sometimes I just want to play make believe.

You always tell me how your influence on me is a good thing, and I believe it.
Last night when you notified me of your sudden plans to meet me an instant happiness washed over me.
My son asked me why I was smiling, I told him that you would be coming up today.
He told that he was happy that you were coming. He said that you were good for me.
Now I know that the people around me know what your impact is on me.
I think they also know that when you are around me, my world is a better place.
I love you very much.

You dirty rotten bastard! You really get on my nerves.
How come every time you and I see each other you this effect on me?
I feel you eyes burning a hole on my back. I get a little weak in the knees. I get dripping wet.
You're exactly the type that I would never want to be with.
I can feel your passion and it pulls at my nerves.
You make me blush, and stutter, and being the bastard that you are you know this all too well.
I wish that you hadn't planted the seed of curiosity inside of me.
I don't have time for this shit.