מזפזפת קדימה

i am thinking about going to the "protest/demonstration" or whatever it's been decided it's going to be. and now my friend sent me a message. on facebook. where people i study with are connected to me and see all sorts of things and invitations and whatnots.

when the panic/anger hit,
when i realized how much i did not want those people to know.

i didn't want to face their reactions tomorrow or the next day.
it scares me, it truely does.


and i know that most of it is in my head,
that i am not ashamed of who i am or what i like in bed,
or at least that's what i thought.

what do you call it when somebody
doesn't want somebody else to know about something
because she's afraid of the reaction she'll have to deal with.
maybe it is shame, maybe its cowardliness
i just don't know anymore.


for a while there, my world revolved around bdsm,
the people in it and how it all connected to me.
it consumed my thoughts.

and then i figured- it's just sex
it shouldn't take up so much of my time,
my energy, my pain.
emotional upheavels were an everyday occurence,
and i was just sick of it.

and so i shut it down
made it just about the sex.
in the beginning it was hard
but after a while, a long while
i didn't crave it. i didn't think about it.
(all the time).

but now this thing, this want is here again.
and i spend my time remembering, and thinking
and wondering what would happen if i just....
not all the time, no.
but enough of the time that i can't ignore it anymore.

which is basically kinda annoying.
i don't want emotional upheavels.
they're kinda a pain in the ass.

i lost my virginity here.
learned how people are inconsistant here
(including myself of course)
spent a couple of years in what i call my
תקופת התבגרות.

i mean, hello, and welcome to geek central sahar.

so here is where i learned how much people
can hurt each other, even when they care.

i learned i have a long way to go before i
become the person i would like to be.
and appreciate the people i would like to be with.

and i don't think i'm there yet, i've still got so much to grow into.

but maybe it doesn't matter anymore.
maybe i just need to be here,
and i will grow to be who i want to be
right here, right out there.
taking care of the people i love, and who love me back.
sharing affection and love and truth and still be...
more than just here.
hopefully not torn between the world out there, and the world in here.