סקיצות מחיים דיספונקציונליים

Until you say yey or ney, nobody has a chance with me. Not even the one who is actually with me. I sadly came to realize it. You are both the symptom and the problem. Call it transference, call it a crush, call it an age old phenomenon of the young girl falling in love with the older professor and superior. Call it whatever you will, the gun was presented at the first act. After the first time you helped me so much, argued with me and rewrote me over emails through Saturday night, (guess you were not going out that evening ha? You spent it with me). Then I told you on Monday that I hoped I didn’t take too much of your weekend and you said I took very little of your weekend. We then talked, and at the end I wanted to touch your arm just below the shoulder to say thanks and to actually touch you, really touch you, feel the texture of your shirt, the warmth of you. And I put my hand out and almost reached it, but stopped just before touching it, my hand open. It was an awkward incomplete movement. You don’t go touching your male superior goddamit you stupid girl-I told myself. Was this the smoking gun? Cause you did the same to me a few weeks later, almost touched my tattoo on my shoulder but not really, with your long finger, stopped just a few millimeters short. Or was the smoking gun long before-you little teaser you. You started it all with your double meaning lingo. Professionally you created me in your image. Now take responsibility. The question will be asked one day, and I hope you will ask it or talk about it first. You are the superior, the professional. Lead the way, don’t just act out. And so the question will be asked. If we were both single at the same time would we have dated each other?
I know I need patience. The right moment will come for the question to be asked. I am not going to blow my chances by an emotional outburst, neediness, or just asking out of the blue, exposing me, pathologizing you. I just wait in patience, and it costs me so much. But I know this is the solution. One day it will come. At the right moment.