סקיצות מחיים דיספונקציונליים

I am in hell. Hell I tell you. You keep waiving this carrot at me and you never give it to me. Before I left on another vacation you said that you want to see the pictures and that when I come back we should schedule to meet to work on our project. I fixed the pictures and emailed to everyone. You were the only one who didn’t reply. I called you two days later- that was 5 days ago- to say that we can schedule now. Of course guess what. Why did I even think you were serious. I am furious. I finally realized. That’s it. you mean nothing. You are playing with me for no reason. No reason at all. Cause you can. And all your words, that you have the highest respect to me and that I am a joy to teach. that’s all they are. Just words. Bullshit.
And I decided like the good old Middle Easterner that I am, to disengage, unilaterally. You are not relevant I decided. Nothing you say or do anymore. This time I am firm. Disengagement. No more flirting, responding, taking my time to speak to you and seek your attention. I am done. From now only professional, respectful, polite. The problem is- how do I do that and keep seeing you twice a week and for an hour once every month. How do you grieve for the loss of someone who is still alive? Still talking to you? Unfortunately I had to call you today for a professional matter… just left a message. I had no choice. When you call back or shell I say if you call back you jackass, I will need to use all my restraint to be polite, professional, and not be dragged into a conversation. Oh god. I am in hell.
And now that I have disengaged… I need to look at the things at home, and it ain’t pretty. Yet another one to boggle the mind. My guy loves me and looks perfect on all the stats, perfect on the outside, only I know how living with him can be an emotional and sexual dessert, and all the other big problems. Will it change? Can it change? I just cannot wrap my mind around it that he is so perfect and loves me, and yet I am depressed for a long long time and have this imaginary relationship I fantasize about on the side. So much wasted energy. So much wasted time. I am just a fool and cannot concentrate on nothing. On my research. Cannot get the damn thing over with. Only in 15 days I will be told if I were accepted to another place for the next year. And I want to leave now, but I have five more months to see you. God. I started to read the horoscope. I am agnostic and cynical but I read it religiously every day now, that’s how much I feel lost and that I have no say, no control over anything. Just take my heart and break it, stomp on it. I am in hell.