סקיצות מחיים דיספונקציונליים

I haven’t written forever because I do not want to give in to the obsession, I do not want to long for you so much. And I still do. You might be the last thing that I ever need, but boy I would take you today, right now body and soul. Or would I?
Because I chickened out.
You took me to celebrate with me, for me, my new degree. Now I am your equal, a fellow colleague, a fellow doctor. And I want to say that it meant nothing for me and that it didn’t impress me or flatter me, the trendy expensive place you took me to, and that you listened to me for three hours straight and you were just asking the questions. You were so curious all of the sudden about my marriage and my childhood and my family. What happened? What’s with this treatment? Or did you just wake up to what I could all along see? but it did flatter me. Somehow between all those couples having their first dates it just seemed right, even me being with a wedding ring on my finger. Even if anyone we knew saw us there, even if. If this wasn’t a date than I do not know what a date is. Maybe this is what led you to do it. When I offered that us meeting a month ago in the romantic park could seem like a date you could have subconsciously thought- you think this is a date? Lat me show you what a date with me is.
Everything I longed for. Everything I needed to know, I knew afterwards. But we did nothing. We just said things, that if we were both single we would date. For sure. In a heartbeat. Because I said that it is better to acknowledge them than to act out. I actually did not ask for your opinion of this I just stated this in other words. That nothing can or will happen while I am attached and fighting for my relationship. Now why did I do that? Why did I chicken out? I would take these damn words back if I could. I am dying to touch you, taste you, smell you. I want you to be mine. Where will all this lead us? What have I done? I just want one more chance and I think I won’t chicken out again. I will take my chances as and if they come. I swear. Or will I ?