Confusion
They say its complicated. It was never complicated until it was.
We met 10 years ago. There was so much excitement. The messages flew back and forth and desire seeped out of every word.
The first meeting was unforgetable.
We were both broken by painful break ups and found comfort in each other.
Yet we had different long term needs. I look for secondary relationships. He wanted to have something more permenant, someone he called his. I knew this and wanted him happy and fullfilled. He really is a great guy.
Something about us clicked. Beyond friends with benefits. More friends in reality. I like friends.
He did once ask me whats going on with us. Us...I said...there is no us.
I dont know what he was expecting.
We both dated other people. Both did stupid things. Both got into deep master and sub relationships. Both got hurt, again. Both turned to each other for comfort.
When he was deeply into someone i told him ill back off. He said why. Our friendship was always there.
See I really am in to him.
But I cant give him the live in scenario he wants.
So I keep those feelings in.
I value the friendship.
About 3 years ago I let him know.
It was magical and electric.
But nature has a way of taking over. Its ok. I withdrew that part of me.
His life was turbulant. I listen and do not judge. I offer advice and more than that. Reassurance.
Yet I am restrained. Can I let those feelings out again.
Are they even there. Are they wanted.
Time will tell.