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Random thoughts

A place where there is a peace of mind and a tease of mind as well.
לפני שנה. 9 ביוני 2023 בשעה 14:46

I always thought that BDSM and the art of non suicidal self injuries are beautiful out-of-the-box aspects to approach traumas once performed safely and morally.


...they said they're making closures via trauma repetition compulsion. Meanwhile they're enjoying the irresponsibility towards all. Only loops of non-wise suffering and enjoyment. I know it's not art either. I know these trauma repetitions don't end well. Addictive and dangerous itching scars. Scars that shouldn't be touched by unsterilised dirty harassing minds or fingers.


Anyway... I thought that a 12 sessions recovery punishment, tying them upside down on my livingroom sofa while throwing a venerable dominant, awareness-rising, daddy psychologist lecture could be the artistic solution for reducing the pain caused. I even thought of possessing them with a religious medieval ritual. Perhaps also fucking their mouth with a condom(out of maintaining sterility of infected wounds) while touching the cheeks gently. And for a closure their vaginas would be filled wholly, orgasming over my fingers. Perhaps ownership over them could cease the pain. mutual possession and healthy leading could do that, I suppose. Once they agree to surrender, the circle will be closed.

לפני שנה. 9 ביוני 2023 בשעה 10:35

היי פאקרז

בתור בודהיסטווה תמיד תהיתי האם אפשר לאבד את עצמך לתוך משחק השליטה ועדיין ללכת עם זה לכיוון הנירוונה. האם מישהו הגיע לנירוונה ביחסי שליטה בכלל? לא כזאת שהיא בת תמותה שמרגישה יותר כאל אשליה רגשית, או גז. יותר כזאת שמתקנת(באופן הדדי) פעילות חשמלית דפוקה בראש,  האסוציאציות, זרמי המחשבות, הרגלים התנהגויות. ההיא שמסייעת לנוירו שלנו ללמוד איך אוהבים ומשחררים שותפים לשליטה. ההיא שמעוררת בנו ביטחון ותקווה גם בשפל, גם כשהכל קורס.

האם בודהיסטווה יוכל לזהות מערכות שליטה רעילות, פוגעניות ולא מתחשבות? או שבודהיסטווה יידרס במערכת כזאת? נדמה לו שהוא לומד לשחרר את הסבל הנגרם על ידי שותפים פוגעניים ולא אחראיים, אבל בפועל הוא רק נדרס יותר ויותר כנפש פגיעה. מין חוסר הדדיות שמורידה את הערך של המשחק כולו. עושה אותו לא הוגן. לא מודע. פוגעני. וכתוצאה משחק משעמם. ואז הבודהיסטווה שואל: האם שווה בכלל להיסחף עם יחסי שליטה כאלו בשביל הלקח, האהבה והנירוונה?

נאמר שלהכיר בחוסר האונים שלנו כבעלי חיים בקיום ועדיין לרצות בטובו של כל הסובב אותנו תהיה תחילת הדרך לשחרור.

אוי לרגע אני תוהה האם זאת נירוונה ובודהיזם או תקיעות ומזוכיזם? כי פתאום שניהם דומים...

 

 

לפני שנה. 8 ביוני 2023 בשעה 14:08

I'm an all-time oppressed woman covered under beard and mustache.
All my life I felt not enough. Neither as a man nor as a woman. Afterwards im told I'm somewhere on the gender spectrum. Still haven't felt enough.  Okay so now I have a definition. How does that do any better in real-time in fucked up societies? Theorists maybe would find pleasure with that, not me. Fuck them anyway.
First time I felt my feminine soul coming to life was in an early age, 6 perhaps 7. But this traditional society totally oppressed that. Bullied that. Shut it down. To splitting silence. Covered my mouth with their manly hands. Hit my flesh with sticks and injected disgusting patriarchal toxicity into my veins for all the non mainstream I am.
I've learned how to hide who I am since young age. Now I'm a master. No body got to know who I really am for at least 13 yrs now as far as I can recall. Not even family members.
The neurotic head I have.
The major depression.
The overwhelming experience of existing.
The unstable moods I have to endure daily.
The paranoid human I am. I cut people for years. can't trust them...I cut society for months. Unpredictable monsters scares the shit of me. Maybe I'm wrong? Irrational? Overreacting? Fuck you.
The dissonance I am- or at least that's how my folks programmed me: the need and the compulsion to keep a high and confident performance in an 8 hour job against my bottomless low self esteem, body image issues, gender dysphoria and zero sense of belonging. This fucking place definitely was not made to contain my shattered soul. By natural selection, I wouldn't make it among people, because I don't fucking fit. No alpha. Not even beta or gama. Nor any greek letter fits. Ain't no mainstream... Better disappear.
Further more, My masculine appearance and body language against the aching limited tied up woman I am. I must have rope signs on my soul after 25 years of being aggressively tied in a dungeon where nor light neither air could pass in. She must be raging. Exhausted and raging. Well I am.
Recently I'm experiencing aggressive anxiety . Physical sensations of random hands choking my throat, to nausea and vomiting. My head tells me to just commit suicide, because why stay more? Total nonsense. This whole shit around me isn't really worth it. Anyway no one's here by personal choice. And if you were to be neglected, if you were to be emotionally abused and physically violated in almost every new environment you join and on a daily basis, you would be programmed to be the worst to yourself. The fucked up part? The feeling you can't help it. Although you sometimes want. can't make it no more...
Anyway... deep shit aside...
I'm a little so much horny. Perhaps we can fuck under the moon, please?(Yes surprisingly humans can be both lost and horny)

לפני שנה. 24 בנובמבר 2022 בשעה 20:27

Got so obsessed with control that I totally lost it inside my head.
Perhaps the only way(also the hardest) to live with such kind of obsession is to let go of all attachment.
Truly I am not even enjoying this obsession most of the time. Maybe I should start learning giving zero fucks to people I'm obsessed with.Or become a Zen-Buddhist

Ommmm. Shanti. Shanti. Shanti