Random thoughts

I'm an all-time oppressed woman covered under beard and mustache.
All my life I felt not enough. Neither as a man nor as a woman. Afterwards im told I'm somewhere on the gender spectrum. Still haven't felt enough.  Okay so now I have a definition. How does that do any better in real-time in fucked up societies? Theorists maybe would find pleasure with that, not me. Fuck them anyway.
First time I felt my feminine soul coming to life was in an early age, 6 perhaps 7. But this traditional society totally oppressed that. Bullied that. Shut it down. To splitting silence. Covered my mouth with their manly hands. Hit my flesh with sticks and injected disgusting patriarchal toxicity into my veins for all the non mainstream I am.
I've learned how to hide who I am since young age. Now I'm a master. No body got to know who I really am for at least 13 yrs now as far as I can recall. Not even family members.
The neurotic head I have.
The major depression.
The overwhelming experience of existing.
The unstable moods I have to endure daily.
The paranoid human I am. I cut people for years. can't trust them...I cut society for months. Unpredictable monsters scares the shit of me. Maybe I'm wrong? Irrational? Overreacting? Fuck you.
The dissonance I am- or at least that's how my folks programmed me: the need and the compulsion to keep a high and confident performance in an 8 hour job against my bottomless low self esteem, body image issues, gender dysphoria and zero sense of belonging. This fucking place definitely was not made to contain my shattered soul. By natural selection, I wouldn't make it among people, because I don't fucking fit. No alpha. Not even beta or gama. Nor any greek letter fits. Ain't no mainstream... Better disappear.
Further more, My masculine appearance and body language against the aching limited tied up woman I am. I must have rope signs on my soul after 25 years of being aggressively tied in a dungeon where nor light neither air could pass in. She must be raging. Exhausted and raging. Well I am.
Recently I'm experiencing aggressive anxiety . Physical sensations of random hands choking my throat, to nausea and vomiting. My head tells me to just commit suicide, because why stay more? Total nonsense. This whole shit around me isn't really worth it. Anyway no one's here by personal choice. And if you were to be neglected, if you were to be emotionally abused and physically violated in almost every new environment you join and on a daily basis, you would be programmed to be the worst to yourself. The fucked up part? The feeling you can't help it. Although you sometimes want. can't make it no more...
Anyway... deep shit aside...
I'm a little so much horny. Perhaps we can fuck under the moon, please?(Yes surprisingly humans can be both lost and horny)