מתבוננת

I was in the shower, trying to wash my feet.
The touch of the water was excruciatingly painful, I'm sick. 

I remembered my father and a wave of longing came over me, followed by a wave of anxiety.
I wanted out.
I wanted to call and share, I wanted to grieve and face the big overwhelming emotion that came over me.
I wanted a hug.

I got out of there and lay down on the bed.
I was shaking myself, moving my pelvis left and right, in a well known tradition, synchronized movements.

My left hand was already buried under my body weight, the middle finger pressing against this point, in the area that many will consider to be the center of the great pleasure.
for me, I know, it is the place where all my hurt and suppressed feelings went.

And again, I was seemingly calm.