”Let jealousy be your teacher. Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. It can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization. Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it.”
- Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy, The Ethical Slut.
Where do I need healing?
Where does jealously meet me the most?
I know I have work to do.
I know I can be better.
Jealousy is a new term for me. I haven’t really encountered situations that made me feel jealous in the past.
I was in a monogamous relationship for many years and never had that issue.
He used to work manly with women at his job and he had many female friends and it never bothered me. Thats what made non-monogamy so appealing to me in the first place.
Now that I’ve entered the world of polyamory, I’m starting to encounter challenges that I never in my life had to come across.
All of a sudden I find myself in moments where I can’t get her out of my head.
The ‘other woman’, my metamour.
Why do I see her as a threat to me?
What is it I need that I’m not getting from him?
Is she even the real cause for my feelings at the moment?
Some would say she has more reasons to be jealous of me than the other way around.
So what’s really bothering me?
I find myself obsessing. Pointlessly obsessing.
I’m not an obsessive person so this is a new experience for me. It’s so subtle sometimes I don’t even notice it’s happening. Then I catch myself thinking about the same thing over and over again: “is he texting her more than me?” “Does he prefer her over me?” “Does he send her the same photos he sends me?” “Does he feel passionately about me like he does about her?”
Is it because I feel like I need to compete? Is it because I don’t see him often enough and I miss spending quality time with him?
It is because I’m not convinced that when he tells me how much I mean to him he really means it? Maybe that has to do with the fact that I don’t know him well enough?
It is because he calls their relationship his primary relationship and ours secondary?
Or have I developed unexpected feelings that scare the shit out of me?
Why do I always have more questions than answers?
Why do these questions even matter at all?
If this is all just fear speaking, then what am I really afraid of?
I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with him and want more than he can give me.
I’m afraid that these feelings of jealousy will be too overwhelming for me to deal with and I’ll want to quit.
I’m afraid he’ll have all his needs met by his other partner and he won’t really have the need for me anymore in his life and he’ll drag me along because he’s too nice of a person to let me go.
I’m afraid that he can’t love me the way I love him, now or ever.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to set healthy boundaries with him because of the way I feel about him.
I’m afraid what I’m feeling isn’t even really love but an obsession for someone in order to fill a hole in my life I should be filling myself.
I’m afraid of becoming emotionally dependent and being in an unhealthy relationship with him which can only end badly.
I’m afraid of being afraid and out of control
I’m afraid of feeling emotions that I don’t know how to deal with.
I’m afraid that I’ll want to change my plans to relocate to another country for a while because I’ll want to stay close to him.
Do I have a problem of getting emotionally attached to people too fast? Is this healthy for me? I feel like a pattern is emerging…
So many questions, not many answers.
Hopefully time will tell…
