There should be logic in intimacy
It shouldn't be this unexplainable experience where you feel these intense feeling words cannot explain. How come only with you I feel these things? What makes you different than everyone else? Is it just pure chemistry? Is it just pure luck? Is it because the person I've finally become after months of internal work is finally ready to be truly naked in front of someone?
Up until not long ago I was convinced intimacy was something you shared with someone after endless time spending together, getting to know each other.
I thought intimacy was something for couples in long lasting relationships, not for something as fresh as this one.
I've shared moment I thought were intimate, with people who were new in my life but were still special to me. But these moments never felt complete and they were always just 'moments' and never really lasted the next day. Or they were bound not to last in the first place. Were they still as intimate as I remember them?
Sometimes I can get confused between intimacy and love. I forget that love, real love, (and not those butterflies in our stomach we confuse with love) can only come after really getting to know a person. Because only after you get familiar with all the flaws of someone, but you still choose to appreciate and admire them, (or just can't help yourself) then you could really call it love. But what do I know? I still have a lot to learn.
I think intimacy is this bubble you put yourself in with another person. The bubble makes you feel safe and warm. It allows you to escape your reality for a while, all while sharing the momentary experience with a person that makes you smile and laugh nonstop. Someone that makes yoyr heart expand.
Maybe you enter the bubble for an hour or two, and then leave it to return to your daily routine, and maybe you keep one foot in that bubble even when you're not together. Maybe the bubble will shape your new reality.
Maybe this is what people confuse with love.
Or maybe this is love.
But if it is then that makes this a temporary love, and I don't believe my heart could handle another heartbreak.
Maybe my heart will break either way and it's just inevitable.
But I can't find the logic in all of it. If this is temporary than why am I allowing myself to feel these things, to get so close to you? Knowing that we'll be so far apart in a bit?
What is it you do to me that makes me lose my mind?! How is it I feel so comfortable sharing with you my deepest and darkest secrets? How is it I allow myself to be so vulnerable with you, to be silly, to be small, to be perverted, to be so damn honest.
As usual I have more questions than answers. As usual I don't know what to do except to try to figure out this lesson life is trying to teach me. Boy do I hope it's a lesson on love and not heartbreak.