It's my past... It creeps up and tries to consume me sometimes.
I don't need to be controlled. My beast, that lives inside does when it wakes up and tries to consume me. I disassociate and my body isn't connected. I'm a dominant person in my everyday out of survival. I long for rest from my internal war.
How often does this usually happen?
More often at the moment. Circumstances cause stress. Stress wakes the beast.
What does it feel like being under the beast's spell?
I feel like I'm falling through an endless abyss with glass walls and nothing to hold onto, no rest, no ground just endless falling until the wave moves on. Nothing to ground me, except the knowledge that this too shall pass.
What external factors can help you manage these episodes?
Constant physical contact. Pain is not pleasure, pain is life. It reminds me that I'm alive, I have a body. Then I need to feel and be made to understand who I am. What I am capable of
Bdsm through praise, self and mutual growth
I have grown so much over the past few months. I've done the internal soul searching, but there is only so much and so far one can go without a partner to guide and support them through their journey. Most of all I need love and security and rest.
I've been trapped alone on my island of one for far too long.