Demons

Im not scared, I've been through almost everything. 

Its hard to threaten me, its difficult to scare me. 

Intimacy frightens me, but thats it. 

Untill Wednesday, 

Listening to music and i heard a loud noise outside, 

Not dangerous but it scared me. 

I sat on my bed shivering, helpless, terrified for the first time in ages, not knowing of what. 

And I had no one to call and save me. 

I realized how much i don't trust anyone, not even my family. 

And now thats terrifying. 

I’ve never truly known what it means to be in a relationship.

And the one time I thought I had one—it unraveled into a lie.

He wasn’t there for love. He was there because I was easy to bend, easy to manipulate.

I don't know how to build something real. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong.

What I do know is that I’ve let go so many times. And still, somehow, I kept hoping.

But then there comes a quiet moment—a stillness—when you suddenly understand:

this time, you’ve let go for real.

Whoever abandoned you in the middle of the ocean, has no right to know what the shark's did to you or how you managed to get to shore.

So I cut myself, scared "weak", 

I held myself a year and half this time. 

I never gave her safety, I never gave her stability. because safety and stability meant she could relax and pause.

A woman who feels safe might realize she doesn't need me.

So I kept her off balance, I've created chaos inside the entire relationship, created fights over nothing.

One day sweet the next day cruel, going back and forth so she stayed second guessing herself, stayed working stayed focused trying to work hard on fix herself, trying to figure out what version of me she'd get, never understanding never knowing.

And I controlled her by keeping her anxious because the last thing I needed and the last thing I wanted for her to feel steady enough to actually walk away from me.

The worst part inside this is I knew exactly what im doing, because I chose it, because a stable woman can't be manipulated.

But an anxious one stays locked in to a relationship much longer than what they want to be.

. 

. 

. 

U think he'll admit it? 

היה נחמד לחזור להרגיש אחרי הרבה זמן שלא הרגשתי. 

אך אתה לא מעוניין, זה שלך. 

מבאס

Just because I didnt love you the way you wanted me to, doesnt mean I didnt love you with everything i had.

I told you what hurts me most, and you did it perfectly. 

I have the most beautiful broken heart I've ever seen. 

~She said

I'm taking a break. I hope it'll hold forever this time.