חמוד כושל ומבשל

As your name pops up my heart starts beating heavily and I get nervous, and pretty much scared.
Yet I'd like to have a continuation for this scary story. Perhaps a horror sado novel. Unfortunately it might very well be a dream, by this stage.
To cut back on heavy heart bumping I had a weakling moment of thought to remove you from my list, Although of course I won't (Ha!).
It's not that I don't enjoy talking to you in real life or on the internet, but you seem not to want to talk to me at all. It's hard to understand how you could go from being so extremely nice to me to being so damn hostile in such a little time, I still don't understand that. I tried communicating differently... I tried Thinking long before I said anything.. (But I must admit. Being a bit weak - being scared of doing more damage than what has been done has caused me to say some stupid shit and make you even more angry)
And I tried impressing you.. in my own weird nerdy way.. I hope it brought a smile on your face, at least. If it did that it was worth the 30 or so days dedication it took.

I really don't understand what's wrong with me... sorry for being so arrogant like this but I simply don't understand.
I wish you just told me but you never did.
On one hand I was nice enough for you to share intimate feelings and actions with me.
On the other hand, I was apparently such a monster that you went away without a clear bye. Making the ignoring seem like you're just busy. It's not that I don't outright ignore *some people*, myself. Well, I do it, but I only do it for people I have NO respect towards... And people I felt intimate with never get this harsh treatment. So what the hell have I done to lose your respect so much? The only time I ignored someone I felt intimate with was due to fear and an emotional weakness I had. Thankfully I've grown up some since.

Now I'll be an asshole and say how you aren't perfect either (of course, no one is).
I like to view you as a Strong Woman. You can see the clear walking digital evidence of just how much I do.
But other Strong women I've met by comparison were, not only able to speak the words "fuck off, you're not worthy of me" but even detail on that, no matter how badly I look in their eyes, and putting me in my place in just one minute of time to save both her and me from future misunderstanding and time-consuming annoyance.

So you're either a bit weak hearted, or I am a real loser/monster not worth dealing with. And until you can explain to me why I am that bad, I'll just go on taking the former as a truth.

Call me obsessive for all this shit. I don't mind. This is what I do when I love somebody and when it feels (mutually) *right* for me to go over-the-top for you. If I didn't love hard at all, my life wouldn't be any better.

and I'm afraid I need you LESS with every passing day. that's a shame..
but.. I'll accept whatever destiny