השקפותיה של שפחה.

The last chapter.

I suppose i call it last, simply because its finally the start, its been 200 days since i left Israel.

Its been rough, from day 1, not having my own car, not having my own place, not having the parties, the friend, the bdsm. Looking back i have no idea why i thought its going to be easier, I suppose i wanted it to.

Last night, with a beer in my hand, DVH in my ears, my friends laughing , i looked up, the metro club is open on that side of the bar, full moon looking back at me and i smiled.

The last chapter. Ended the day i got on that plane.

Ive been spending time, in thinking back, spending time in thinking about you all, did i do the right thing? is money really that important to me? should i really do my MBA, does it matter?

My thoughts were cut off by him and her, god knows where those two landed on me.

Her? a version of me in older age, a party of me with a hell of alot brain on her shoulders, a fashion designer, a snowboarder a sinister soul to accompany my past sins.
Him? The friend who cover me at night when we fall asleep all three of us in the same bed, the one who plays his guiter when she got her heart broken and i was lost to regrets.

We sat on his roof, in the city. Flashing lights of parties, roads, the bridge and water flickering to our direction.
She poured another shot, i drank it, he played.

We are nothing like i had before, we dont talk every day, we meet on weekends, once maybe twice, we dont kiss, we hug, sometimes. Its america, not israel.

They talk alot, him and her, i just sit quietly, i changed. The background fits me nicely today, i dont care anymore if im on the stage, i rather meet them all in the back later.

I changed.
i dont need to get drunk anymore, i rarely do

I changed
I dont shop for new clothes every day, i look good with my jeans

I got my heart broken once, ad looking back, how silly it was.
So silly i smile now.

"Regrets?"
She asks me but honestly i didnt hear
"bout?"
Funny, they say i dont talk alot, but when i do you better listen
did i change so much?

"ya know, tel aviv and shit?"
i shurg, and raise the bottle to my lips, He joins in the conversation
"Girls, glad i met ya"
we laugh, cause we met by goddamn luck, the right word in the right time in a weird bar.

"Im fucking touched"
i almost whisper and he leans back, how is that i dont find him hot, he is, but not to me,. we take another beer and lean closer to the edge, i dont smoke much anymore.
"so? regrets?"
She asks again and i turn my eyes to her, good lord she is beautiful. with her dark as night hair and those green eyes, and she covered with tattoos, makes me remember someone i love.

"Yeah"
i said in one word, and that was that, he leans to me and place his chin on my shoulder, she leans and place her head in his lap.
2mrow we will wake up , i will put my suit on, he will put his uniform on, and she will skate to work.

and next week, we might meet up again, maybe not. life here are different.
"Lets move in together"
She says, god, that girl is so impulsive, she barely think.
"Roomating kills friendship"
I say and he laughs "Another wise saying from MG"
they barely call me mara, the word doesnt stick.

"Im down"
he adds and i shurg , take another sip from my beer and they begin talking again, loud and fast, english is so loud.
"we can rent a huge fucking house with the 3 of us"
she says and i take a deep breath
"with a pool"
he adds and i shake my head
"right with 64 degrees outside"
my sarcasam bursting to life, 64 deg is like...COLD.

they keep talking and i take another breath. another sip. finishng the bottle, they still talking.
"sure why not"
and another step ios made, with the money we all make we can rent a frikking mansion

"What is it?"
he asks and quickly adds
"Your regrets"

i lean back, staying quiet, like i always do these days.

"Its not regrets, its wondering, wondering how things would have been if i was who i am today there"
he nods, she fell asleep
"ppl change , MG"
i nod, and we stay quiet
"so, will you go back?"
i smile, he plays with my hair
things changed, ive changed.

the city lights lightly turned less bright, the city goes to sleep, i look at my phone, its only 3, but its late here.
"No"
i answer him and he nods, we sit quietly together.
all three of us.

"tell me who you were"
he asks and i turn my head
"what for"
i arch a brow
"im curious"
he smiles, that baby face look that always makes me laugh.
"how it all started , y aknow, how life brought you to my porch"

i smiled
"you know that saying....the friends youll meet will introduce you to the friends that you will love?"
he nods.

and i tell him, about tel aviv, and my mom, and him, and my heart, her, , my friends, the parties, and at some point when its already half morning i stop and go back to my silent.

"hell of a story"
i laugh
"you asked"
he laughs
"thats some book ya know, with a great ending"
i look at him
"how so?"
i ask while his brain seem to work.

"will you change your life?"
he asks and i think about it
"not really, maybe my actions, here and there, think i should have rewrite my last chapter"

he kisses me, on the lips, but its not like that, its just us, the three of us, weird threesome.
"would ya"
he asks with a smile and adds
"you re-wrote it when you got on that plane"

things changed
ive changed
i look to my city, my home, i look at my friends, i think of my past ones.

"Its never the last chapter"
she adds half asleep

"you right, its the begining"
he adds , so dramatically

finally when the sun begin to annoy us, we go down and cuddle in his bed, when they fall asleep i get up, walk to the kitchen and sit, on the edge of the balcony, thinking.

And so.
I close my book
say thank you all for writing it with me,
for giving me what i am today, for building who i was.

I say thank you for the rage, who at some point was brought upon by the cage.
i say thank you for the deep blue, with the venus beauty
i say thank you to the couple who showed me what love is all about
and for the stage that tought me, i am ok with the way i am.
i say thank you for the heart who will always ride with me
and thank you for the beace and the waves, and the dark poles in the tel aviv night.

I say thank you.
and finally, Start my new book.
and say

Goodbye