the life of a Lady

The first time he noticed me was after I took a shot of tequila, I was dancing drunk on the couch at a private party that my friends brought me to. I was 15, the youngest by a far of all the people in the party (26 being the average). I was the baby of the group, taken everywhere but never allowed to participate. i always was able to sneak a shot here and there with no one noticing but in this party someone noticed, he kept on sneaking me a shot here and there till I got completely hammered. He just sat there on the side lines laughing while everyone was arguing and blaming each other on not watching over me, trying to get me of the table. I fell in love with him there and then.

We started dating, he was the crazy of the group, so we had to hide it from our friends. It was our own little secret, scared that our friends would find out made every meeting a complete adrenaline rush. Truth is we were right to be scared, first time they found out they beat the crap out of him, pushed me around, threatened to tell my dad. But when ur a stupid 15 yo and a drugged up alcoholic adrenaline junky that’s the kind of thing that fills ur heart with fear and excitement so much that u cant breath.  And well what can I say, the sex, was a rush of its own.

Its been 14 years since I talked about this, something in the discretion of the sight makes it easier to talk, relive old memories. And the fact that this was my first intro to taking the bdsm out of the fantasy and into reality closes a circle.

We would go to the parties, sit at opposite ends, the tension growing inside us, knowing that no one can catch us looking at each other. Then we would slip away and burst out of control, pure passion, aggression, lust, just clawing at each other. When it got too much for me I would try and push him off, it would become a power struggle that both scare and excite me.

Sometimes his alcohol and drug binges would get to much for me and I would brake it of, but it never lasted long. He would get sober again and follow me around begging me to forgive him. I always gave in, went back, knowing it would be the same broken record each time. But what else could I do, I was madly in love and completely consumed by passion, plus teenage hormones, I never stood a chance.

For almost a year of my life I was consumed with lust, love, passion, discus, fear, lies and complete confusion. Then one day, about 2 weeks after the las brake up, I asked someone y there where no parties going on and y everyone looked so weird and didn’t want to see me. And most important, where did Nirel disappear, was he in rehab again. The answer I got shocked me so much I don’t realy remember anything from that month. I completely spiraled and went into my first brake down. He died, everyone new what we were hiding, every one new what we had. Secrets are only in what people don’t speak about, but somewhere, truthfully, everyone knows. i always new he walked a thin line and that he could one day fall of, but I never thought that it would happen and I never thought that our friends would treat me like that. He died a week before I found out, no one wanted to show me his grave, no one realy wanted to speak with me. I couldn’t tell my parents about anything, so no one new y I was disappearing.

Its been 14 years I still wish for the same excitement, love and lust. At the same time the thought of it scares me to death (not in a fun way). Every year at about this time I spiral again. Hopefully sharing it in this world would help to release some of the weight, would help me let go of him and the crazy period we spent together.

Baby I miss u, I miss us, I will love u always

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BMwcO6_hyA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU3472bvdHI

I am a strong woman, determined, assertive, confident.

 But at times my armor of strength fades away and depression sets in. Today is one of those days.

My psychologist asked me why I think I have depression, why today? Its to hard a question, I always had depression, was it the years of un diagnosed anxiety disorder, a lifetime of not staying in one country, language, culture for more then 4 years, the sexual harassment that started already at the age of 10. For me clinical depression is a normal state, I used to think everyone was like that.

I corrected her and told her the question is what triggered it today. A couple of bad dates that showed me where I don’t want to b in my life. Successful, rich and completely boring bland and old. The instability of not finding the right sub to or patron to fill in the one that moved. Having no one to party with since my friend went abroad on her trip. Or the fact that everyone is traveling except me.

So what to do now?

What is a woman to do when all u want to do is swim into the sea and disappear into the waves. Well for now get gined up and smoke a ciggy, hopefully tonight roll myself out the door to drink and party, hopefully get into some interesting trouble and get the adrenalin rushing in. In general just to try keep my head above water level and ride out this wave hopelessness.  

My psychologist suggested I share it with someone else, to try and lighten the load and get it out. So here I am, sharing it with whoever wants to read.

Lets hope tomorrow brings something new, a reason to feel alive.

I dedicate this song tonight to myself and to the rest of u that know how this feels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TttjeXZYE8

this kid rocks......

He mumbled "thank u" his face cringing, I slowly inserted it in as he tried to clench his ass, making it harder. I got on him again and rode him, every time making sure the but plug is secure in its place and playing around with it. His face was still cringing but I could see he was starting to enjoy it.

It was time to take of his blindfold, he was succumbing to the idea of being controlled. I asked him "r u ready to open ur eyes to a new reality?" , he had a confused look on his face, "ill explain" I said "from now on u do what I want, how I want, when I want". He nodded his head and with a satisfied smile I slowly untied the scarf. He looked up at me and he had the most amazing gaze, like a lost boy searching my face for approval and direction. I pet his face gently, as he calmed down even more and kissed his eyes.

"Im going to relies u now, r u going to be a good boy?" I asked, he nodded again with an innocent and a bit frightened look on his face. I removed the gag slowly, he didn’t say a word, so shocked at the new world he was awakened to, he couldn’t find words. I released the straps from his legs, the straps on his hands I kept on him and released them from the bed. I tied his hands together and ordered him on his knees. He quietly obeyed, dropping to his knees with a nervous look on his face, I could see him trying to suppress the dominant side in him. The boss in him wanting to jump at my throat, throw me on the floor and take charge, but he was a good boy, sitting there on his knees, hands tied, not sure what to say or do, not sure if he liked this or not.

I went to the dresser and got his collar, came back to him. "now every time I put this on u, it means that u r going to be completely submissive" I told him as I put the collar on him" ur mine now, and u do as I say". I yanked the collar and got him to stand up "go make me breakfast", "ok" he answered, "u will always refer to me as lady d when the collar is on u" I ordered him as a yanked his head to be below mine. "yes Lady D, what would u like me to make?" he answered quietly. "u know what I like, go" I answered with a dismissive wave of my hand. " can u free my hands" he asked while I lead to the kitchen / living room area, "no, u can manage".

For the rest of the day he cooked, cleaned, did my nails and was my personal sex toy. I could see the wheels in his mind turning and turning, not sure why he was letting me do this, why he wasn’t speaking up, why he was obeying and liking it. At the end of the day, on his knees, I took the leash of and gave him a kiss. He looked like he finally understood the little remarks I was whispering in his ears the hole time, a little smile smeared across his face. The rest of the evening we spent embracing in silence, watching tv, going to bed, not saying another word, just enjoying the feeling that lingered.

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 I like dating dominant men, it’s a sense of thrill knowing that they soon will become my slave.

This story is about a strong, masculine, dominant man I once dated. The ceo and founder of a successful investment company. Used to telling everyone what to do and how to do it.

Every time we would have an intimate moment I would whisper in his ear, seeding ideas of being submissive.

One day I decided he was ready, packed a bag filled with toys, put the straps under the bed in the evening without him noticing, got up nice and early and started preparing. I put on mu corset, leather gloves, did my makeup and hair and laid out all of the toys on the dresser where he could see them, of course covering them with a sheet, I don’t want to spoil the buildup. I slowly and gently strapped his legs down and one arm as well, being careful not to wake him. Then came the point of waking him up, I put on his other hand strap and yanked it titer.

 He abruptly woke up, not understanding y he cant move, looked up at me in confusion and as I kneeled down to him shoving the gag into his mouth, things started clicking. He started fighting the straps, trying to mumble something, probably "what the hell, let me go". But it was no use, the straps where soft but firm.

I stood there over him for a while, till he calmed down, which took a while. He started using a softer tone, trying to plead with me, hinting with his head, giving me puppy eyes. So cute, a man being broken. That was the moment I reveled the toys on the dresser, picking up, one by one, the leash, the whip then the nipple clamps, the stringed balls and the but plug and then came at him with a scarf, softly scented with his favorite perfume. On his face was a look of disbelief, shock fear, but his cock was telling a different story. I could see how exited he was, even if his mind couldn’t get a grip yet on what was going on.

I tied the scarf over his eyes and took the whip.  First I started running gently over his body, helping him to calm, to feel comfortable and safe. And when I saw his body relaxing and his face quitting I lifted the whip and stuck  him with it. He jumped, surprise, again mumbling orders that couldn’t form because of the gag.

Don’t answer back I ordered him and struck him again and again with the whip, not stopping till I heard him whimpering for mercy. I gently cursed his red sore body, kissing it and calming him. He was still hard as a rock, I again ran the whip gently over his body this time letting it stroke his cock as well. I climbed on him and started riding him hard, and every time I saw him giving into the pleasure and feeling safe I struck him again.

After I came I took out the but plug, I brought the small on, after all, he was a beginner. I ran it over his body, down on the legs, around his scrotum and then started poking gently. He clutched and again tried to yell out an order. Again he needed to be put in his place, I raised the whip with my other hand and whipped him again and again, "u should be thanking me im so gentle, so understanding" I yelled at him, still poking gently with the but plug. After a couple of min and his stomach and chest turning red and raw, he succumbed. "thank u" he whimpered behind the gag. "what did u say" I barked at him and brought down the whip, "thank u" he mumbled louder……..