The first time he noticed me was after I took a shot of tequila, I was dancing drunk on the couch at a private party that my friends brought me to. I was 15, the youngest by a far of all the people in the party (26 being the average). I was the baby of the group, taken everywhere but never allowed to participate. i always was able to sneak a shot here and there with no one noticing but in this party someone noticed, he kept on sneaking me a shot here and there till I got completely hammered. He just sat there on the side lines laughing while everyone was arguing and blaming each other on not watching over me, trying to get me of the table. I fell in love with him there and then.
We started dating, he was the crazy of the group, so we had to hide it from our friends. It was our own little secret, scared that our friends would find out made every meeting a complete adrenaline rush. Truth is we were right to be scared, first time they found out they beat the crap out of him, pushed me around, threatened to tell my dad. But when ur a stupid 15 yo and a drugged up alcoholic adrenaline junky that’s the kind of thing that fills ur heart with fear and excitement so much that u cant breath. And well what can I say, the sex, was a rush of its own.
Its been 14 years since I talked about this, something in the discretion of the sight makes it easier to talk, relive old memories. And the fact that this was my first intro to taking the bdsm out of the fantasy and into reality closes a circle.
We would go to the parties, sit at opposite ends, the tension growing inside us, knowing that no one can catch us looking at each other. Then we would slip away and burst out of control, pure passion, aggression, lust, just clawing at each other. When it got too much for me I would try and push him off, it would become a power struggle that both scare and excite me.
Sometimes his alcohol and drug binges would get to much for me and I would brake it of, but it never lasted long. He would get sober again and follow me around begging me to forgive him. I always gave in, went back, knowing it would be the same broken record each time. But what else could I do, I was madly in love and completely consumed by passion, plus teenage hormones, I never stood a chance.
For almost a year of my life I was consumed with lust, love, passion, discus, fear, lies and complete confusion. Then one day, about 2 weeks after the las brake up, I asked someone y there where no parties going on and y everyone looked so weird and didn’t want to see me. And most important, where did Nirel disappear, was he in rehab again. The answer I got shocked me so much I don’t realy remember anything from that month. I completely spiraled and went into my first brake down. He died, everyone new what we were hiding, every one new what we had. Secrets are only in what people don’t speak about, but somewhere, truthfully, everyone knows. i always new he walked a thin line and that he could one day fall of, but I never thought that it would happen and I never thought that our friends would treat me like that. He died a week before I found out, no one wanted to show me his grave, no one realy wanted to speak with me. I couldn’t tell my parents about anything, so no one new y I was disappearing.
Its been 14 years I still wish for the same excitement, love and lust. At the same time the thought of it scares me to death (not in a fun way). Every year at about this time I spiral again. Hopefully sharing it in this world would help to release some of the weight, would help me let go of him and the crazy period we spent together.
Baby I miss u, I miss us, I will love u always
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BMwcO6_hyA
