SpoiledAndEntitled(שולטת)

the life of a Lady

Porcelain doll in a suit of armor

לפני 10 שנים. 29 בינואר 2014 בשעה 17:58

I am a strong woman, determined, assertive, confident.

But at times my armor of strength fades away and depression sets in. Today is one of those days.

My psychologist asked me why I think I have depression, why today? Its to hard a question, I always had depression, was it the years of un diagnosed anxiety disorder, a lifetime of not staying in one country, language, culture for more then 4 years, the sexual harassment that started already at the age of 10. For me clinical depression is a normal state, I used to think everyone was like that.

I corrected her and told her the question is what triggered it today. A couple of bad dates that showed me where I don’t want to b in my life. Successful, rich and completely boring bland and old. The instability of not finding the right sub to or patron to fill in the one that moved. Having no one to party with since my friend went abroad on her trip. Or the fact that everyone is traveling except me.

So what to do now?

What is a woman to do when all u want to do is swim into the sea and disappear into the waves. Well for now get gined up and smoke a ciggy, hopefully tonight roll myself out the door to drink and party, hopefully get into some interesting trouble and get the adrenalin rushing in. In general just to try keep my head above water level and ride out this wave hopelessness.

My psychologist suggested I share it with someone else, to try and lighten the load and get it out. So here I am, sharing it with whoever wants to read.

Lets hope tomorrow brings something new, a reason to feel alive.

I dedicate this song tonight to myself and to the rest of u that know how this feels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TttjeXZYE8

SubservientJames - Dear Lady,
Thank You for sharing. You sound overwhelmed. I am deeply saddened that You are experiencing such a thorny and stormy day.
We do not know each other, and at a risk of sounding pretentious, I would like to share with You my feelings. I am not a therapist. and I deeply apologise if You find any of the following unwarranted.
This is a truly tender and heartbreaking post. I am so sorry by what You had undergone as a child: the anxieties, the constant travelling, and above all the sexual harassments. I also sense You are feeling deserted by Your ex, by Your friend, and perhaps by others as well. I imagine the majority of us on this website, are here in
order to try and compensate for a sense of loss we have endured earlier in life.

It is interesting that the recurring theme of travelling overseas (literally over seas!) and drifting, surfaced in Your post time and again.
You employed it when describing Your childhood, Your sense of abandonment, and in Your remarkable metaphor of swimming in the sea and vanishing into the waves. And also in Your "solution": to roll out the door, in order to drink and party - essentially fluidly (once more, in the literal sense) drifting yet again,
What you're seeking - in Your own words - is to keep Your head above water and ride out this wave of hopelessness. Indicating, that You do not really wish to fade away like a ripple, but actually desire to withstand this storm.
You are - by Your very own testimony - strong, determined, assertive and confident. Thus I am certain that Your armour is not only external, but that You have a great deal of internal strength. You are not a bisque doll
Perhaps it is the depression - when it kicks in - that is the external cover above Your genuine and intrinsic might!
I wish You all the best in the world, and in finding the gentleman worthy of You, who will be the "knight in shining armour" for his Queen.
Warmest wishes,
James.

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SpoiledAndEntitled​(שולטת)

the life of a Lady

Porcelain doll in a suit of armor

SpoiledAndEntitled(שולטת)