Sweet surrender

Last night it felt soo good to have you inside of me.
My body needed yours to make me complete.

אתמול בלילה חלמתי שאני יולדת.
הלידה הייתה חוויה שלווה, ורגועה, בלי שום טיפת כאב.
האושר והתחושה של ניצחון ליוו אותי.
מעניין.
אני יודעת שחולמים על לידות זה מסמן התחדשות ושינוי בחיים....ולטובה.
היגע הזמן. החודשים האחרונים שעברו עלי הישאירו אותי סחוטה וחסרת אור בחיים.
אני שמחה שאביב כאן כבר, ויוולדו לי חוויות חדשות.

זה מפחיד מאוד. זה ממלא את ראשי במחשבות אין סופיות. מנשה להבין, אבל עדיין קשה.
הוא דומה לי מאוד. וזה מפחיד.
כמה שבני דומה לי.

Life.
What a wild and crazy paths it takes us.
For the last couple of months my life has taken me on a very winding road.
Form near insainity, to total despair. I wish that I could say that I had some extreme highs, but mostly I only saw the extreme lows.
During this time, I experienced the one of the worst nightmares that a mother can experience.
My child was diagnosed with a very unpleasant disease. It is chronic and it is here to stay. It is a part of her now as much as it is a part of me.
There are no words that can explain what I feel inside. I try to be positive and deep down I know that we will learn to live with it and everything will be all right. It's just that now all I feel is dreadfully helpless, because I can't make it go away. Knowing that she needs me to be strong and optimistic has put the rest of my shit into proportion. Ans boy do I have a load of shit on my plate right now.
I often right about how I am blessed to have Master in my life. During this period, I saw that he was the only voice of reason through the screams of insainity. He allowed me to vent and cry and say things that made no sense. He listened, he heard, and then he guided and calmed me down. He has been my rock. He is real, and few are fortunate to have something real in their lives.
My heart is heavy from worries for what the future holds for my precious little girl, but I also know that I have no choice but to be strong. It is not an option, but a calling. Same as when I decide to create her. A calling.

Sharing has soo many definitions. We share our wealth, our struggles, our dreams, our pain, and our joys.
I am fortunate enough to have a person in my life that I can share everything with. This person shares with me everything as well.
Today he shared a very pleasant encounter that he had during his day to day.
Through the phone I felt his glow and saw his smile. He allowed me to feel the moment toogether with him. In the chain reaction form it automatically put a smile on my face and left me feeling a little chipper.
I feel like he gave me a gift. He passed on his good vibes to me.
Lately there has been alot of sharing of our "basa" in life. It also affects us in a chain reaction way.
How good it is to finally break the cycle and loghten the heart a bit.
I know how important it is to be able to share our troubles with another soul.
But believe me, it just as imporant to share our happiness. It does wonders.

אתה.
הדבר הכי מדהים שקרה לי.
איתך זכיתי.
אתה ממלא, ומצמיח אותי.
מדקה לדקה הרגש שלי אלייך מתעצם.
איך זה יכול להיות שבחורה פשוטה כמוני בורכה באוצר שכזה?
אני מכירה כל מבט שלך.
הידיים שלי חרטו כל קימור, שריר, תחושה שבגופך.
בשבילי אתה סמל השלמות.
אתה הכל בשבילי.
אתה אהבת חיי מאסטר.
זכיתי להיות שלך.

אין כמו לקום בבוקר אם ידיעה שאי שם יש אדם שהלב מתפוץ מאהבה בשבילו.
ללכת לישון אם חיוך ומחשבות אליו, ולקום אם חיוך רחב יותר ולב גדוש אהבה.

Through the dark tunnels and hazy vision of my life, I am sure of one thing and one thing only.
The more I know you the more I love you.
How can something that is soo full of force be soo tranquill?
My love for you, pushes me to be a better mother, a better human, and to be all that you could hope for.
My love for you encases me in a sheath of fulfillment. I am yours and yours alone. I am protected.
For you I give all that I am. Use me, hurt me, make me scream, cry, and laugh. Love me as you do and call me your own special girl.

After more than two years I finally understand.
After more than two years I faced my worst fears.
After more than two years I smiled at my demons.
And why did it take so long? Because I allowing myself to be controled by non excisting ghosts.
Now I have processed all the data. It played a big part in my life.
I feel and see that they don't serve any real purpose in life anymore.
They will always lurk in the shadows, but now I know that they hurt me and steal from me what is real, what was always soo very real.
I fucked myself over these last two years. It's a time in life that will never be replaced. I didn't live the full experience.
And yet with all that I held back from myself, it was still the best two years of my life. It was paradise. And all because of you dear Master.
No more!
I'm on the edge of the cliff now and my arms are open wide. I'm ready to take the leap, and fall into the unknown, into the abyss.
I feel it in every fiber of my being, that the darkness is where I will find light.
That the unknown will bring me security.
That if I fall hard you will be there to pick me up and show me the way and shine the light for me.
For you Master, and you alone I stand now on the edge of the cliff ready to fly higher than I ever imangined.
No more ropes tying me to my fears. No more control over my emotions. No more letting another day go by with out acknowledging how blessed I am to have met you and have in my life and me in yours.
It took over two years, but finally I have released.

Today, for a split second, the most intense thing happend to us.
We shared a moment.
The kind that makes your heart skip a beat and goose bumps to crawl up your skin.
Sitting in his living room, on his couch, talking, and laughing, it snuck up on us.
For a fraction of a moment our gazes locked and I could see into the depths of his soul and the wonders of our love, and he did the same with me.
We didn't talk about it, and I think it took us both by suprise.
I fell in love with this wonderfull man all over again.
I attached myself even deeper to his force.
I received the precious gift of belong to him.
All of this in a fraction of a second.
I am on a spiritual high.