Sweet surrender

Today I was reminded of how much of the best I have in my life.
When times get tough, it's always good to be reminded of the things that we know so well.
He is my Master, the best.
He is my rock, the best.
He is my lover, the best.... the very best.
He is my friend, the best.
He is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life with men.
He is all and everything.
I don't have to sruggle to love him more and more as times passes.
Today he reminded me how dear and special I was to him. I loved him more in an instant.
Master take me, anyway you please, bring me deeper and closer to best thing in the world.
Yours,
Timid

For the last couple of days I've been walking around with a feeling of needing something.
It just hit me now what's it is that I'm missing. I need a hug.
I need the type of hug that I can sink my whole body and soul into.
The type that warms me inside and out.
The hug that stops time for just a moment and lets me feel safe.
I wish that I had longer arms, so that I couls hug myself when the need flares up.

איך היה אפשר להבין אותי אז?
האם ללב יש היגיון באיך ולמה הוא פועל איך שהוא פועל?
ממש אבל ממש לא היה בסדר איך שפעלתי.
יש לי אלף הסברים, לחזק אבל זה לא מבטל את מעשי.
בימים האחרונים הכל חוזר אלי, אבל ממקום של מחשבות.
אני רואה דברים שצובטים לי בלב.
כי זה מזכיר לי נשקחות.
אני את שלי למדתי וניסיתי לצמוח מזה.
לא עושה רושם שכולם למדו.
חבל. באנגלית קוראים לזה trouble maker
אולי יום אחד היו כמה שכן יבינו למה עשיתי את מה שעשיתי.
האמת היא שאני מקווה שלא.
שהיה רק טוב לכולם, באמת מכל הלב.
בשבילי זה גם יום חג. אני יכולה לשיר בכל רם Ding dong the witch is dead/
אל תנסו להבין אותי. זה מסובך מידי

He knows me soo well. In the short time that we have been engaged in our relationship, he took the effort and expertise to learn me and my mechenisism to a tee.
Each visit with him shows me that there is no way or no place for me to run and hide from him. When I try to run he always there to greet me in my hiding place.
After soo many years of festering wounds and self blame, he is the care giver that helps heal and try and rid me of my ailments. He is teaching me how to look at my actions through understanding eyes and to leave the judging eyes behind.
He believes in me and my abbility to overcome even the highest of hills.
He is not my Master, he is not my lover, he is not even my friend, he is my shrink. And once a week for several months now, I meet this amazing man to help me learn, grow, and cleanse my mind and my spirit.
Right now I am in the middle of a identity crisis. He broke through the walls of my ways of acting and thinking and is showing me how to rebuild myself in a positive way. I am proud of my myself for the progress that I have made with O_ _ r. I am even prouder of myself for giving myself the opportunity to heal.

So clear, and yet so fuzzy.
So near and yet so far.
So sweet, yet bitter at times.
So open and yet so closed.
So innocent, yet so calculated.
This is the name of the game.
This is all that there is to offer, for now.
I'm very thirsty, I need a drink

I have two very dominant sides to me.
One side is the the need and desire to belong and be owned. To serve, adore, and worship a dominant figure in me life. Funny how a submissive side can be soo dominant.
The other side is my full hearted belief in true love. I hoped and prayed for it all my life, and then when I least expected it, it showed up at my door over two years ago in the form of my Master.
It rocked my world, and took me on roads of discovery. I never knew there could be soo many sides to my love and thousands of unlocked doors in my heart and soul. Each day brings a new dimention and depth. Our love doesn't stay put in one place, it grows and changes just as we do.
There is one little problom though. At several times the two dominant sides in have clashed. The side that has always believed in true love and working and fighting for it, dominated the side that wanted to be enslaved and owned.
I can't seem to give up the power that my love rules. It has caused serious probloms in the past for us. I have done a few immoral acts and payed a heavy price in the end.
I know it is a cliche' , but I did it all out of love.
I can deal with all parts of my Master. I try and learn how to be part of his world and live at peace with what is difficult for me. I can not deal with the '' Others'' at this time still. It feels unnatural, and untrue to me.
I know that this prevents me from reaching the ''top'', but I have to be true to myself if I want to be true to him.
Yes I have hurt various people with my doings. Guess what I was hurt by tem as well. I saw my precious jewel in danger. My pure , tender, love was at jepordy and I panicked. I acted out of fear and not out of wisdom.
It was wrong. But I need to add that if any of the '' others '' were in my place they may have done the same, or left the relationship. Bat zona who ever says differently. I am not a victim anymore, been there done that. I have seen the light. I have felt love, and if I have to fight and crawl for it than I will. I will most certainly never make it to the '' top''. I can live with that, and ever accept it. I feel that I have already reached the top in my love, and to me that means much more.
I read blogs, and see that I am not soo different from other subs. All in all most of them want to be the one and only and to give themselves up to the Master of love.
Love me or hate me when you've stood in my shoes.

If I had to compare my way of dealing with my emotions then and now, it's like I was reborn, and the other Timid never exsited.
It's not as if I don't have pangs of jealousy, anger, disapointment, or lonliness. I do, and at times quite a lot.
But now I let these feelings surface. I look them square in the eye and recognize them. I'm not afraid to deal with the pinches of pain that they cause.
I try and work on myself every day. It's to everyones benifit, but mostly mine.
The sense of calmness is a feeling that can become addictive.
Once I chased anguish and turmoil. Today I turn over every stone to find my peace. The long and winding road of becoming the person that I was meant to be.

I looked deep inside and was amazed to find out that I don't need it.
I am full, and complete. I found what I needed, and for the first time it was more that enough.
I debated, thought, fantasized about what if and how. It all came back to the same conculsion, I have what I need and won't find anything that can top that.
By my nature I am not a greedy person. I am simple in my demands.
When the realization of my own fulfilment dawned on me, I was washed over with a calm that filled and soothed any type of unanswered questions. I had released myself to myself.
The feeling is soo foreign to me, but I choose to be in the moment and the feeling.
I now have much more knowlege than I did before this whole thing of my passport to visit in different places.
I have been on both sides now. I have been on the side of wishing and hoping and yearning that I would be allowed to experience anything and everything under the sun.
I wasted soo much time on that , that I cheated myself out of fully living the moment, and being at one with my heart, my body, my soul, and myself.
I feel like a winner now. I have won love, respect and self worth from me to myself.
I will never understand the way that others operate on these matters, and I don't think that I need to. All that I can hope is that they get a chance to experience the same sort of tranquil bliss that I have.

I am seeing the world through clearer, rosey glasses.
There is a suprisingly calm feeling in taking the back seat.
From a distance things become clearer. From a distance things can also become warped.
But in the back of the classroom, the teacher usually doesn't pick on you.
From that chair you understand what you want to, or what you can.
From that chair you don't need to prove yourself too much.
From that chair daydreams take you away to exciting, breathtaking scenarios.
A few times in my life I sat in the front row. I tried soo hard to absorb all the knowlage and information of my guides.
I always felt as if I was under a microscope, my every move monitered. As if it was just a matter of time before I slipped, and caused displeasure.
As time went on, I would move back row by row, until I finally made to row in the back of the classroom. There I felt safe, there I controlled my ability to absorb. There I knew what I wanted to and blocked out all the rest.
I'm moving back, row , by row, by row. I'm calmer.
I heard something yesterday that struck a cord with me." History doesn't repeat itself, people repeat history ".
When you don't know anything different you retrace your steps. When you've learned a thing or two will try and navigate the outcome more in alternate ways.

For the first time since it all happened, I'm finally getting the help and guidence that I need. I didn't plan on it, but I guess that the timing was right. I'm sure that all of my fans out there who think that I am mentally disturbed will breathe easier now. By the way I am mentally disturbed. My primal brain was marked and scared and I need to learn how to cope and deal with life by not relying on my primal brain.
He is sharp as a whip this shrink. He could see and read me without to much trouble. Last week , he set me off on a mini identity crisis. This week, he held a mirror up to me. When he held up the mirror, he was beside me and helped me look in. This guy is good.
He asked me is I felt uncomfortable with him alone in a room. I lied and said no. not at all. But I have a feeling that he knows I'm lying. I didn't want him to pass my case on to another shrink. I have a feeling that he is going to lead me on a path of recovery and release, and I'm curious to see where I end up.
This guy is fucking good. Bravo