סקיצות מחיים דיספונקציונליים

These last weeks I have been just running loops in my brain about what to do, and knowing that there was nothing to do really but wait wait wait. The worst feeling is being able to do nothing. (Unless you want to make some stupid emotional decision that will mess up your life entirely). I came to fully appreciate recently, how, just like in chess, every move you make has ripple effects, so far reaching, that it is just scary and crippling. I do not dare to make almost any movement without my 3 advisors, the ones who shrink the shrink. (Thanks by the way) And then I made a move, took your great letter (that also cost me tears, flirting and back and forth rewriting) and sent it with my other stuff to many places to get away from you. And if all else fails I have also put in a request to stay, but when asked about what departments I wanted I did not choose yours. Will you ask me why? Will you believe me when I lie? God I hope to get away. Two years I carry this inside. Cannot do a thing about it. I cannot continue like this. I am only human. Weak I know, unfaithful and guilty-both in my mind, cannot let you continue to drive me kuku. Anyway it will turn out to be, it will remove one set of handcuffs of our hands. One boundary. At least as far as ethics go allowing us to mess with each other if we chose to.
Now I wait and see what place will take me. And what will our relationship look like when we both know that in 6 months I will set you free. How will our last meeting be?
Will I open my mouth finally? Will you say something to me?
I am planning my moves carefully. How to get you to not end it in your office, but in a nice quiet place over a glass of wine, a pint of beer, heck, even coffee will be enough for me. I want you to ask me out casually to celebrate the end properly. And from there… we’ll wait and see.