חמוד כושל ומבשל

I am not independent
I am not worth much with just myself
In fact, the more I dis credit myself, the more content, the more "whole" I feel
So, who do I turn to care about more than myself?
The loves, dreams, and arts
which are ultimately bound in flesh... by me
To live like that is to float by a nailed chain.
Not much free room for exploration nor interaction. And my love for this world cannot materialize
I am restrained from the rest by a characteristic I should not have
I sin in pride. So unbelievable to me, I kept it hidden and forgot
I fooled myself in an obvious mistake. Like I always do
The lost soul child strikes another world record. Why was I thrown out of world in the first place?
And what is the root of my pride? Certainly it's not Independence.
As I'm simply not an independent entity, as much as I would like to be.

Crazy parenting, apathy of schools, video games escapism, ugly perverted fantasies that I knew I had to hide from the rest of humanity...
The cause for my weird personality is uncertain, but can be researched.
But who cares?

I am here and now. With more skills than I ever had, and slightly more empathy capacity.
Less of a child but not yet a man
Even over myself alone I fail to lead
Why not face that I don't have all that much control
Even over myself they took control and I grew exponentially

Why do I keep myself away from the place where I am full
Control frightens me. Forget sexual control. Any kind of control frightens me.
Because it seems harsh. Limiting and, choking the personality... "unjust" and unfair...
Like a fully mature woman pressing her foot down on a young boy's throat.
Come to think of it, even my earliest BDSM fantasies were like fragments of a horror movie.
And I had always dreamed about my fears...
These were my weird ways to deal with reality as I perceived it as a child.
It sort of makes sense now.

And the fucking ego struggles...
I always thought myself to be above it all.
When in fact I am even worse than some dumb unsightful disrespectful fuckers out there
Because ultimately, I am more dysfunctional.
With my bag full of fears to deter me and my everlasting fantasies to keep me unstable with this life.
I'm still in that "the world scares me" phase. You can call me a big fat baby if you want. I've deserved that.
But I am no longer alone.
Please help me

There is no known cure for life
no known entity will get rid of "us"
And speaking of individuals, what is an individual worth at all?
If the brain works like I think it does, it is simply an extension of genetic evolution.
This newly developed thought capacity allows testing of new ideas in real time, and not just between generations.
When such a world-spanning force of change is put in the control of just 1 animal,
it is easy to see how ego and self-importance were born
(and expressed in articulate, "conscious" words)
Feeling as if each of us matters much to the world when in fact we don't
Only great leaders are bringers of substantial change
And even they, like us, are only a middle section, slightly affecting the future but, mostly, dependent on the past.
Including the ugliness of all control systems which stabilize the energies necessary for sustainable life.
Out on the Moon any of that shit would be useless