Story of the bee

Conversations at the water cooler

I work in an office. Conversations flow as you know from the pleasant to the banal. We are a diverse group from all over the globe. 

When you see the same group of people everyday people say the most random of things.

Today was a classic

Someone said they thought people in open marriages were greedy, disgusting and no better than people who cheat on thier partners. This person wouldn't let it lie. They went on and on about it. 

Im quite mouthy but i could not say anything to out myself.

Am I a coward for not standing up for myself

Its my choice to be in an open marriage and why are you judging a lifestyle you know nothing about. Who are these miserable people who critisise. 

There is a part of me that would love to tell people about some of the wonderful dates ive had and the deliciously kinky scenes ive played out.

When my husband or I play with someone we tell each other where we are going. We dont share details. We ensure each other is safe and happy. It adds another layer of communication and care between us.

My husband knows i enjoy pain, restraints and humilation. He doesnt understand it but is happy im satisfied.

Perhaps if the gossips round the water cooler knew some of the kinks i have they would not think it was a deviant thing to be tied to the bed post and beg to be fisted.

Im a nice girl so it must be ok. 

Maybe if they saw me bent over being throat fucked with an anal hook inserted that was tied to my collar and to another hook in the ceiling they would see its alot of fun.

My one comment was its best not to judge.

Truth is i would not out myself. 

In my head i thought you uptight cunt you are probably frigid, shit in bed and boring.

I hate being misjudged.

My other thought was...you have no idea how much fun this kinky life I lead is.

I do not need to defend  my kinky life

I just live it

I just love it

We kinksters rock

Will those real Doms please stand up

And all the subs are ass up face down.

Right.

This is a musings post. As the wise Borat said....

Cultural learnings of Israel for make benefit glorious nation of kinkdom. Now im from the United Kinkdom. Ive been here long enough to learn.

Disclaimer...I do love this country for all its faults and I know its not the Uk.

Im not sure what ive learnt but here we go.

I came here with my own unique kink journey. For decades i had the same kink partner. I did not need or crave anyone else. I thought my journey was done when i moved here especially as he is there.

Turns out you cant turn your kink button off. It sits in your brain and you need to indulge in your kink as desire and need. eats at you. I was here 7 months before i took the plunge and looked for ways find it. It being a new kink journey.

I had to use the internet and websites as we are in an era that means we cant function without an online presence. Oh boy. Its not Kinksas Dorothy.

The kinkernet is a bizarre place. I dont have to tell you that people can and do role play online. 

Ive come across all sorts of weird and wonderful people. Some amazing genuine kinksters who ive enjoyed chatting too and have enjoyed playing with. 

But

Big but here

Wow are there some people who are not all thet say they are.

You out yourselves. 

If i did a PHD in Masters you would recognise the cast of characters the internet has allowed them to become.

The young dom. He is 25 and can dominate me with all his years of experience. Id rather here him say...i have strong desires that im enjoying exploring please let me explore with you.

The one in an open marriage. Its so open he forgot to tell his wife.

The most domly of doms. He has so many subs he does not know what to do.He will dominate you in every hole before moving on to the next avaliable hole. Little boy lost. 

The caring dom. He will take care of all my needs but lacks any emotional intelligence in real terms. He will fill all my gaps with his mind. Satisfaction comes and goes.

The saviour dom. He will save me and make me complete. Flash....ahhhh..He saves everyone. He does so much for so many and yet so few give to him. 

The unique dom. Im not like the others. Good. Are you like you? What is you? 

The dom who will let me live all my fantasies. Well ive lived alot of mine. Some great..some were not for me. I dont have a bucket list to tick off. What have you done for me lately.

There are many categories of subs too but we are beautiful people and all the Doms out there can write posts about us.

Im off down the yellow brick road. Anyone fancy showing me how to put one foot in front of another.

To all the doms ive offended...ooops i did it again.

To all those doms still standing...spank em hard..Rawhide..

I write this with a smile and thank the many philosophers ive quoted..Janet Jackson, John Cooper Clarke, Winston Churchill, Britney Spears, Blues Brothers, Elton John,Borat,Little Bo Peep, Freddie Mercury, Judy Garland. Im going to eat some M and Ms.

Consent is King

This piece is my experience, my life and my thoughts.

Trigger warning. 

I think about consent alot. I actuallty have consented to many things over the years. A few of them did nothing for me so they will not be repeated. A few were spesific to my partner at the time and again they may or may not be repeated.

As I am in an open marriage comunication with my husband is key. He knows i need a bdsm interaction or relationship to keep me sane. He is very supportive of my needs and is ok with the fact i need someone else to meet them. 

He does not know the details but he has some idea. 

Consent is everthing. I saw some post asking what CNC is. In Bdsm and not engineering obviously.

Consent Non Consent. Pretend rape. Is it role play. I cant really get my head around it.

I understand role play. Ive done it many years ago and it was much fun. I might even resurect the character if the right opportunity arises. She does take alot and get used at whim and loves it. Shes a naughty minx. She encouraged her master.

Despite the power imbalance she consented.

CNC...pretend rape. It has triggered my own experience. It was in a long term relationship. I consented to be tied to a gate post, flogged and fingered and then fucked. 

As i am in a non monogamous situation i insist that my Dom wears a condom. My body. Your freedom but respect my rules. He fucked me without a condom. I was so far in subspace my protests were weak. 

When he untied me i did ask if he fucked me without a condom. He lied. I was confused but in that moment our relationship changed.

I pushed it to the back of my mind. Well not really. It haunted my dreams and i could not tell my husband. I became withdrawn but i could not show any cracks. 

From then on my rapist took advantage of me. He asked things of me he should not have. He knew he could manipulate me. I think i stayed with him because i wanted an apology and an admission of guilt. 

I am in control of my emotions. I could no⁹t understand why i was doing those things for him. My rational was i was in love with him. It was easier to think like that than accept that he violated my consent and raped me.

When we split up it was ok. I decided i did not want a master i wanted a sub. On reflection it was a reaction to the abuse i suffered. He did not respect me and my slutty ways. In some ways he looked down on me for loving the very things he wanted to do.

Eventually the sub bored me and i wanted to be dominated. I did find someone i liked. His ethical domination brought out the represed rage i had felt when i was abused. It took the contrast of an ethical dom spanking me to get me to admit what i had been through. 

Therapy has been transformative. 

Im happy with who I am. Blessed with a high libido, a warm heart and a kinky deviant mind i rise.

I like the power imbalance of a sub/dom relationship. If you are able to listen to what i consent to you will be served with my very being. 

I could talk about how amazing I am but its not my style. 

Consent Non Consent...i am comfortable asking for rough sex...i will tell you how much slapping i can take. Its consent that makes a sub/dom relationship so beautiful and peaceful. 

What is a natural woman. The literal meaning for me is what you see is what you get. Yet women, me included pluck, shave and paint ourselves so we either feel good about how we look or we can feel confident infront of others. 

On a website we can photoshop our images and we can say what we want to get the reactions we desire. 

So online a natural state is harder to come by.

Im not young but have embraced the digital age with the joys and critical processes aforded to a natural Brit. 

For me to say that those song lyrics encapsulate some of the things i desire and look for makes me vulnerable. 

Some of the lyrics may seem fanciful. Im not someone who looks for someone to manage my existence I am somewhat pragmatic and practical. I am strong, smart and sassy. Ive also been around the proverbial block. Im a mix of hard faced reality and highly sensitive thinker. 

But i have a romantic nature and my head is perfectly capable of staying in the clouds. 

Is my "soul in the lost and found". Yes. The natural woman in me is a little lost. It needs to be appreciated. Can you claim it? Well its not up for grabs like a prize. A connection and appreciation of old skool desires and needs is rare. It will take time for me to want to show you whats in my soul. Listen to my thoughts. Respond to them with as much consideration as I put into expressing myself and you will find yourself on that path to finding it. 

"If I make you happy

I dont need to do more" 

Happiness and bliss in a BDSM relationship is deeper and more profound than any other. Because of the trust we build together the senses are heightened. Communication is vital and listening becomes an all consuming task. Get it wrong and we are broken. Get it right and my soul is yours. 

There is a freedom a Sub/Dom relationship has. For me that ability to express my desires and needs freely without judgement is liberating. To have my sexual needs, however dark fulfilled is what i want. To push my limits in a safe space invades my dreams. My physical limits are easier to guage than my emotional ones

In the past I have had my trust and consent violated. Im dealing with that with professional help. Its not me or you. Its him. It did effect my ability to be brave.

But

You have done something to me. You talked me out of my fear. Not through coersive control but by being a man. A man of passion, care, desire and control. Your control of yourself was what i read into our conversation. You didnt dismiss my fears as petty and unfounded. You entered my mind and and made me want to be brave. 

If your can have my soul my body will be yours. I am blessed with a high libido. The simple way to say this is I love sex in all its glorious and inglorious forms. 

But

My physical reaction to your touch was an extension of our conversations. My body flowed in ways I understand are a reaction to making me feel like a natural woman. We never really discussed our physical needs and desires. Its best not to have a tickable bucket list. I come with decades of experience yet am rather shy....im full of duality.

What you felt and how I was in your arms could not be faked. I trembled and shook and my desires gushed out of me. Not just a little tremour,  an earthquake. Aftershocks are still being felt. 

Im a natural woman. Emotionally literate yet capable of flights of fantasy. I am looking for a natural man. A man in control. A dominant man with desires and needs. One able to express his emotions. One who is honest.  One who wants to satisfy more than just my sexual needs. He will get my devotion. Why. So I can be open and vulnerable and give my natural self.

It creeps up on you
Haunts your dreams
Memories tucked up
In a bed of confusion.
You took my power away
Destroyed my gift
Trod on my trust.
When you looked at me
You saw
A whore,
Restrained.
Lost in the moment
You crossed my line
You didnt see me
Just a vessel to use.
I've shut down
I'm in my shell
Confronting my demons.
I know what you are.
I know who I am.
Disembodied.
I look in the ashes
Of my recollections
And see your tainted touch
In the landscape I inhabit.

Just because im kinky
Doesnt mean you can spank me
Just because im slutty
Doesnt mean ill put out for you
Just because im flirty
Doesnt mean i want you
Just because i fucked him
Doesnt mean ill touch you

If you treat me right
I just might

Because im kinky
Ill go to the deepest oceans

Because im slutty
My heart is open

Because im flirty
Ill make you feel like a king

Because i love fucking
You will feel alive between my thighs.

Touch my soul
Kindle my passions
Respect my being
Love me whole

Defy

I defy convention
Fly against the rules
Why
Cry
For the love of humanity

Dont put me in a box
Dont fence me in
Im a wild flower
Growing

Train me
Be the frame
For me to climb
Tease me in position

When its time
No reason
No rhyme
Ill branch out

Watch me
Blossom
Watch me
Grow
Its at your touch
Your flow

If im in that box
Ill whither
Loose my beauty

My beauty cant be seen
Its given in my care
Sensitive souls
Feel it just there

Do you want my touch
You need my desire
You came for the heat
Stayed for the heart
We built so much

Hey you in the ether
Why do I want to love you
Why do I need to care
Let me hold you in my arms
Catch you between my thighs
Soothe away discomfort
Calmed by my sighs.

Hey you in the mirror
Why don't I let him hear my song
Why can't I let them see me
Let him dry the tears that fall
He wants to hold my smile
Rub those scars
Fold me in this arms

The Girl Who Hid

Where are you hiding
Little girl

What are you hiding
Little girl

Why are you hiding
Little girl

I hid behind
My hopes and dreams
Shone in the dark
Passionate beams

I hid behind
My tears and screams
Delightful play
Hard and extreme

I hid behind
The laughter and joy
Engulfed in you
Shy and coy

I hid behind
Love and lust
Faded away
Turned to dust

I hide behind
The woman I am

I keep on searching
Looking within
There is a void

I keep on searching
For the voice within
Echoes of the past

I keep on searching
For the strength within
To be complete

I keep on searching
For the light within
Will illuminate

I found
Darkness surrounds
Purity obscured

I found
Wholeness imperfection
Beauty beholden

I found
Screaming passion
Unleashed

Before you find me
I found myself