The Mind & Touch

Brought 2 guys home with me today. Both very sweet. 

In 45 minutes I have to get on a bus. 

I don't drive (plenty of opportunity just no encouragement or the encouragement was not from a place of love). Over the past 2 years my stress levels have caused confusion and panic attacks when it comes to getting from A to B. Either I get off the wrong stop, take the wrong bus, get off the right stop and then am convinced that it's wrong and get back on. This happens with trains and buses. Not so bad in the city but going out it's a little stressful 😄

I have taken myself alone:

- to the emergency room

- shar menashe (I got myself out after a night)

- out of an abusive relationship x3

- the death of both parents who didn't love me 

- physical, mental and emotional abuse and neglect 

- a fair share of surgeries. 

- mental breakdown

- came near death June 2023

AND I AM EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE

I'm invincible! 

Here I go 

I will conquer my fear until only I remain 

Update: bus drove right past me. I realized as I was looking at its ass drive away. 

It would seem that I'm in a growth spurt. 

Have I finally started sitting down with myself like I have wanted to for a long time? Yes 

Does this mean the floodgates of wisdom and perspective have been opened? yes. 

Does this mean I'm about to go on a wild ride with my best buddy, me? Hell yeah! 

I married myself the other day. 

"With this ring I promise to care and protect myself from this day forward. Through all the good, and the bad. With money, and without money. Through illness and through health. I promise to love and cherish myself until that perfect time when I go back to the universe and all that is left of me is the meatsack I chose for myself when I was ready to experience reality for a short time."

Without love there is no growth. Without growth there is nothing to love. 

I have a soundtrack to my life. A song for everything. So much so that sometimes I can't listen to the same version anymore. 

This is when I had an idea 💡 listen to the same shit just instrumental covers. All the words are tattooed to my soul so words aren't necessary. 

Wow I just have to say, I thought about this version this morning and it's a winner.

Orchestral covers of popular songs. 

For when I need the inspiration from my pal Spotify but have no headspace for the words.

I feel deeper, the inspiration is stronger, because it's coming from within and not in Freddie's magical voice. But my own from deep within me. 

Fire is the only element that can both destroy and create. The differentiating factor lies in perspective. Fire is fire and it will do what it will. Burn. It is merciless, unbothered by sentiment or decay. What is always a guarantee, is that what lies in it's wake is death, distruction and sadness. 

A clean slate. An empty canvas. 

I was born into flames. I have been scortched so many times that heat and fire run in my veins.

All my life I have asked why, what did I do to deserve this? Perspective

When battling the flames, and they surround you, without the protection of love, there is no other option but to keep fighting. There is no time to learn, there is no unbounded joy of life and freedom. 

Now that I have stopped fighting the flames, and have learnt to embrace them, they wrap me in warmth and comfort with the knowledge that it has never left me. It's guided me through pain and suffering to the highest of summets. 

From here I can see the path I couldn't see before. The path that was lined with thorns and poisonous plants and animals ready to kill and devour me if I strayed off. Instead, I was kept distracted by the fire and flames and never once gave up fighting. 

From up here I have a new perspective. It's called gratitude. 

Unconditional love is the most powerful stimulant of the immune system. The truth is: love heals.

Love, Medicine and Miracles - Bernie S. Siegel

Something that most people take for granted, however, think about it for a second, is there someone in your life that loves you no matter what? Who is it? How important are they in your life? Where would you be without them and their love today? What a blessing you have. 

Believe it or not, I have never experienced unconditional love. It doesn't matter the who the how and the why. I have almost died from the effects of no love. 

So how can someone who has never experienced unconditional love, love unconditionally? That's where the magic lies with love. I absolutely believe that there is someone who will love me unconditionally. Because love is not bound by time, or anything for that matter, and it's that love that has protected me, and will keep on burning until it meets up with the source where it will ignite. That's how. 

It's a matter of time, that's all. 

It's my past... It creeps up and tries to consume me sometimes. 

I don't need to be controlled. My beast, that lives inside does when it wakes up and tries to consume me. I disassociate and my body isn't connected. I'm a dominant person in my everyday out of survival. I long for rest from my internal war. 

How often does this usually happen? 

More often at the moment. Circumstances cause stress. Stress wakes the beast. 

What does it feel like being under the beast's spell?

I feel like I'm falling through an endless abyss with glass walls and nothing to hold onto, no rest, no ground just endless falling until the wave moves on. Nothing to ground me, except the knowledge that this too shall pass. 

What external factors can help you manage these episodes? 

Constant physical contact. Pain is not pleasure, pain is life. It reminds me that I'm alive, I have a body. Then I need to feel and be made to understand who I am. What I am capable of   

Bdsm through praise, self and mutual growth

I have grown so much over the past few months. I've done the internal soul searching, but there is only so much and so far one can go without a partner to guide and support them through their journey. Most of all I need love and security and rest. 

I've been trapped alone on my island of one for far too long. 

 I have 3 boys. I'm not looking for a husband or a father. However they need role models of good, strong stable people in their lives.

I am a magical being, responsible for even more magical beings. All of us full of hope, love and warmth.  I am a treasure to be found, claimed, and then protected over. 

Where are the beast tamers, and the noble dragon slayers? I invite you to spend time playing with my monsters so I can finally rest knowing that I will always be caught on my lowest of days, and risen to the highest of heights all the other times. 

I "woke up" out of a survival fog a year ago just before my 40th birthday. June 3 is fast approaching and I want to do things a little differently this year. 

No more making wishes that can not be shared or they won't come true. That bullshit got me nowhere for a very long time. So I'm going to make my wish now for my birthday and you, yes you, the person reading this, will know my wish. 

My wish is to experience something I have wanted for a long time, however very strange to me and makes me feel quite awkward. Even typing this, it's difficult to put the world's together. 

Ok, I want to be pampered. I want to understand that there are good people in the world I just need to be open to them. 

What do I want? 

Here is a list of interests that might resonate with you. 

- a joy ride on a Harley Davidson (I don't drive)

- plants and flowers

- massage 

- watching someone in their element finding joy and passion in doing good for someone else. 

I deserve the world, but I can only take one desire at a time. I desire the starting blocks to trusting humanity.