Neverland

There is a theory stating life is but a code, like the matrix or a computer program everything in life can be explained by numbers.
We are made of codes defined to fit and surf in the infinite sea of data that is "The World" never understanding how to really work with this code of ours
every person we meet or interact is just another pile of ones and zeros 010101 ever programmed by others in the inifinite cycle of our society to follow the path and fit it's designated slot
 but what happened when set program malfunctions, is it designated to destruction or to rise above the system
where society seeks to limit and control one's imagination while hiding the extraordinary 
only a few are able to break the neverending cycle we are all born and programmed to
just a bunch of ones and zeros and the never ending sea of data

כולנו רודפים אחרי המשמעות שעומדת מאחורי הקיום הפשוט והחסר משמעות שלנו, אנחנו רודפים ללא הכר אחר אהבה, הבנה, הכוונה והכלה מאחרים.
כדי למצוא רק אוסף של אכזבות וכאב, חוסר הבנה ואטימות.
מאחר ואין לאיש את התשובות עבורנו, הן תמיד נמצאות בידנו אנחנו רק צריכים ללמוד כיצד להגיע אלייהן.
אנחנו צריכים לשחות בים של אכזבה וכאב, כדי לבסוף להגיע אל חוף המבטחים שאליו כיוונו מההתחלה.
אבל צריך לזכור שלפעמים השחייה עשוייה קשה מנשוא ולא כל אחד יכול להגיע למקום שאליו הוא חפץ להגיע לבד.
כי בסוף היום, כולנו עור, בשר ועצמות ואנחנו נוטים לשכוח כמה קל לקלף אותנו עד לעצם.

We are social creatures, under all these cells that combine to create our flesh, muscles, bones and cells.
.There is a fregile soul that has some very deep dark fears

Each different and similar to others, some have more some have less, but what happens when your biggest fear is yourself ?
What one does when the biggest fear is to face that man in the mirror, the shame of not recognizing the person that stands in front of you.
The fear of being alone with that person in the dark, and what may come of it when your deepest fears come rushing in your head as they all start to envlope you in the deep cold darkness that is solitude.

The first day of my long term imprisonment have already begun, watching thru my hollow eyes as the world pass me by from my cold forzen cell.
Monitoring my good mirror-man as he go about managing our daily obligations, knowing full well what it means for me.
The longer i am cages, the stronger the beast will become the more my trusted autopilot fades as time goes by.

But life is not a game, nor a commoditiy and thos brave enough to live it will have to play by the house rules, most of the time the deck is not stacked in your favor and every act may lead you to a great success or terrible ruin.
Sometimes the smallest thing can prove to be a lifeline,the small excuse to save us from the beast that lies inside awating to be unleased and ruin everything we invested our souls in.

Long was my watch from my dark cave as he roamed about his buisness, while i was left to rot and watch him take over in my place.
 This mixture of happiness and sadnesss that lingered within my cell, attemting to crush my very soul was cut in a brief .moment

"My dear beast, it's for you" 

said my hollow eye's partner as he handed me a phone,

"she is waiting for you to wake up and answer"

As i took the call into my dark cell, the small smile came to me as i heard that voice on the other line reminding me that there are still good things waiting for me outside my cage, all i need do is wait a bit longer.
I closed the call as the walls closed closer and closer, i handed him the phone and stepped back to darkness of my cell, holding my treasured smile as a tropy for all that i have and all that i will have in the future.

It is always darkest right before the break of dawn.
The new dawn is comming for me and i will be here to welcome it in open arms.





I want to Dedicate this to all those i love in my life, and all those who will choose to enter them and be loved by me in the future.
The Beast

Big Day big expectations, ready or not life is coming and there is not running from it.

 Somewhat unable to truly handle the neverending stress, the more came my way the deeper i fell underneath the crushing pressure and it slowing consumed me.
Sometimes just letting go and enjoying the ride as best you can, maybe the only option to mentally survive at some moments, doesn't really matters how you get there if you are the one sitting in the passanger's seat.

As long as you reach your designated stop eventually, and the man in the mirror is a great driver.
So after a long time, i finally locked myself back in the cage watching thru these windows everyone calls eyes and let the fun begin.
Watching that skillful mirror of myself walk and talk around, ever so efficently managing to outmaneuver any and all obstacles with grace and wisdom earned in pain and blood.

It took a very long drive until i started to came to my senses, i watched from my cage as the cracks in the shell i have left to my ever so trusted mirror-man started to take from and flash.
Burning as the mirror-man was no longer there, as the cage tore apart the better i managed to see my mangled mirrored counterpart, ever so broken while he bled on the floor of my inner self the beast started to rage.
In a swift moment all was red, all was blood nothing could have stopped me from attempting to gain control of this drive .that was already spiraling out of control and into the unknown

As i Started to come to my senses, he was already there pushing me back in the cage ever so gently ever so understanding, looking at me with his shallow dead eyes smiling.

Feeling as the cage closes and my thirst have yet to be quenched, so the beast unleashed it's claws fighting with all it's might tearing the cage apart.
Then it hit me, as my trusty mirror friend held the beast at bay.
The pain the lessons, have they been for naught, forgotten in the passage of time as they never really existed?
The Stronger the Tried to break free the more i realised, it is not yet my time to come out and play the thirst will be quenched and the pain will eventually fade.
"All in duo time my dear beast, all in duo time"
As these words echoed in my mind, the stream of countless possibilitys came gashing thru like a river overflowing a .dam and tearing it asunder spreading its destruction so a new and improved scenery may take it's place

And thus i stepped back entering my cage once more, handing the keys to my mirrored-man watching as he evolved and gained momentum.
"All in duo time my beast"
I am waiting eagerly and ever so silently to be unleashed once more,"when the time is right my dear auto-pilot"

Sometimes we get to see people we knew long time ago, some we presumed already forgotted in the fabric of time.
But they do not really disapper, nor all the things you shared and passed together 

Latly i got to see that flash, it burnt me like a crisp from the inside out in an instant.
All these bad times and good ones, mostly the bad came flooding back like an overflowing river crushing down the dam i built around me so long ago.
That face remineded me all the things i used to love and hate, all the hardship i passed back in that time of life.
but luckly for me, that guy in the mirror was there to cage me before i pressed the gas paddle as i stopped the car.
But it did work to show me, that i know who and what i am at all times.
What i learned from that time with all the pain and suffering, to teach me to become a better person not for others but for myself before anything else.
but the voices did rage inside my head, that little voice that send us doing crazy things like "you should just run them over 10 times in reverse if possible it will be fun" and the little angel "you are "better then this you learned your lesson haven't you ?

lucky for me, i have an advanced mechnizem i built over time.
Strong mental reslove resulting in contasnt maintainting my beastial needs at bay while having another person to take over in cases things get too hairy for my mind to handle.
Taking me into auto pilot at a moments notice and picking the best course of action.
mine was, letting walk past my car.

But the memories, they came back to haunt me stonger and more vivd then ever before I hope i wont need his services again anytime soon but who knows what might just happen in a minute from now ?
.That is the beauty of life and its greatest virtue, life is unperdictable 

.I have been to a lot of situations in my life, some better some worse 

But  it all came down to this, either you do or you die.

Eventually every mind, body and soul has a limit.

Some more then others, some programmed to mentally blockade and prevent any mental and psychological damage the , .brain deems overwhelming 

In some cases ourmind is just automatically programmed to detace us in a situation of grave emotional crisis, to prevent permanent damage to the mind but the funny thing is this auto program created by our brain is a permanent damage on it's own accord.

For me this process is simple and cold, mental disconnection in a moment's notice.
Seperates me from becoming a raging monster that might just as well devour and burn all and any who might as to step in the wrong direction.

That cold detachment is what also provides me with many opressed emotions and countless sleepless nights.
Providing it's kind blessing while sheering deep inside my soul and flesh, almost like a stab to the heart on the cold snow, making sure to spread it's red velvet stains across the ever so right snow.
But the fortitude of the mind is ever so playfull, allowing me to star into that hollow shell in the mirror.
Keeping the mind itself cold and sharper as ever, while the soul itself is left in the background to watch from deep inside that icy cold prison that was build deep being these eyes that keep staring back at me. reminding me of a long forgotten "" movies i watched so many years ago, "Being John malkovich" while that movie provides an interesting insight to how it may feel to live inside some else's body.
it also provide a good description almost to the letter to the feeling i get when i watch that person i no longer recognize in the mirror.
 Staring back every so cold with sharpned eyes, piercing through whatever maybe left in the one looking back.
Emotionless but alive, that person moves, breaths, talks and in ways more then one is more alive then me.

 But i don't know him, and that is what scares me the most that unweary feeling that i am trapped inside someone else's

 body unable to do anything but watch and see what is next to come.

.Cold and heartless that person may be, but a necessary indevidual if i am to survive what is yet to come

But the faster he appears and i disappear, the smaller the cage gets and the harder i try to break free from the chains .my mind have bestowned upon me

And The more time passes, the more im unsure what should i fear more, the dead man in the mirror or the beast that is waiting to break free from it's cage.
As time go by, and i keep seeing that reflecting the more i do not recognize either of them.

.In life, everyone has this one moment
That dark forbidden place, where you are standing on the verge of losing your mind
That spot where you can no longer define what is real and what isn't
Some people don't get to come back from that place, they get to spend the rest of their lifes in agony not knowing what is right and what is wrong anymore

i still remember that clouded feeling, not knowing if i am inside a dream and everything is just one big nightmere and i just need someone to pintch me so i can finnaly wake up
but i never woke up, so i decided to take action and change that nightmere into a dream and i build it everyday anew
But i still get that broken feeling inside from time to time
eventually it wears me out

השיר הזה תמיד לוקח אותי למסע בתוך עצמי.
לגלות מחדש את השדים והמלאכים שמסתתרים בתוכי.
לא משנה מי תבחר להיות לצידי בחיים האלו, יש שדים שאף אחד לא אמור לראות.
כל פעם שאני רואה אותם, אני מרגיש את תחושת החנק העמוקה הזו.
"מתי זה יהרוס אותי שוב"

היה חשוך.
השעה רק עשר בלילה, אבל אין תאורה במקום שאליו הלכנו יחד.

טיילנו בתוך מקבץ העצים האפלים שעל הגבהה, הערפל עטף אותה בעננות משי כמו בדים למידותיה הקטנות.
רק אני, היא, הכוכבים ויללות הזאבים ששהו בקרבת מקום.
על כל יללה היא קיפצה לה, מבולהת ולא בטוחה מה לעשות.
לקחתי אותה אליי בעדינות ונשקתי לה.
"הכל יהיה בסדר, אני שומר עלייך יפה שלי"
עינייה נצצו בברק, חיוך קטנטן נמרח על שפתייה ואז נעלם במהרה.
"קר לי" היא אמרה בגמגום קל ורעידות קור.
לקחתי אותה אליי, "טוב יותר ?" שאלתי.
"כן אדוני" היא השיבה והמשכנו ללכת לנקודה המייועדת.
צעדנו עוד כמה דקות בשקט בזמן שהרוח הקרירה נשבה בעורפנו.

הגענו לקרחת היער הקטנה, שטופת אור כוכבים וירח.
"הגענו, את מוכנה ?"
"כן אדוני"
הנחתי את התיק, מתוכו יצאו החבלים לאט לאט והחלו לעטוף את גופה הקטנטן.
כל חבל מתהדק אט אט על גופה ועוטף אותה ביעילות וחום.
"תודה אדוני"
"בבקשה קטנטונת"
והמשכנו את הלילה אל תוך האפלה.