המקום שלי

הגירוי המנטלי שבי
מעורר אותי להיות הכי טוב שאני
הדמיון לוקח אותי להמקום הרצוי
שם על הרצפה עם האדון הראוי
תצטרף אלי להמסע המוחי
כי רק שם שנגיע תזכה בגופי

היום זה יום להוציא הכל החוצה

למה במקום לעזור לילדים עם הפרעת קשב וריכוז, הרופאים מחליטים למלא את גופם ברעלים כדי להקל על סביבתם?
סליחה, זה לא ממש נושא לכאן אבל חוזרת עכשיו מאבחון של בני והחליטו "בואי ניתן לו רטלין ואז נראה מה יהיה" הייתי חייבת להוציא אותו החוצה......התשובה לא מסופקת

למה חוסר ביטחון של אדם אחד ממשיך להשפיע על יחסי מול כל אדם אחר.
לא די שנתתי לו 10 שנים מחיי, נתתי לו את כל כולי והוא בתמורה, מתוך חולשה סטר לי בפנים......אין תשובה מספקת

למה כל אחד דורש אמון כשאני בוחרת לתת אמון הם רק מפרים אותו?
לא הכל שחור, אני זוכה להכיר אנשים אמינים אבל הם נדירים כאוצר
לאוצרות אלה בחיי רוצה לומר אתם יקרים לי מאוד. אני לומדת ממכם

למה אנשים שמגיע להם אושר ומוצאים דרך למצוא אותו לבסוף, נתקלים במחסומים שלא בשליטתם?

אני מאוכזבת מחוסר אמון
חוסר כוח שיש באנשים אחרים

אין לי תשובות יש לי תקוות
יש לי געגועים לשקט נפשי
אני שלמה עם עצמי ועם מי שאני
ממשיכה לצמוח.
אני יודעת שיש בי כוח להכל וכל יום מצליחה עוד יותר

בני אדם יכולים לחיות לבד. אבל אם אישה נבראה מצלעו של אדם
זה הופך אותה להיות חלק ממנו וכמוכן אחד חלק מהשני
אז למה בוחרים להתמודד לבד.
אין לי תשובות.....

לוחמת....

You can spend days and weeks maybe even months before you get to know someone, before you feel comfortable with them, or it can just happen.

I confess I have had more than a few conversations with people but never get over the initial fear and speculation to actually go that step further, my gut will tell me to back off. I may even try to prove my gut wrong, its rare when your feelings and doubts just fall into place.

A total stranger can make you feel at ease, you just know you can trust them. Maybe with you the doubt lasted all of the drive it took me to get to you, maybe it was never really there. I wondered as to your intensions, I still do, I need it black and white, but at somepoint you made me realise that we need to go with what feels right.

One look at your smile, I somehow feel safe, and that is the core of why I am where I am.....to feel safe, I have been a nomad wondering between insecurity for way too long.

I give unconditionally with the hope that oneday someone will appreciate me enough to give it back to me, but till now it I have not had the priveledge to really experience it (maybe once in my lifetime). The unchartered waters of having someone put me first..It doesnt make you less of a man, it only draws me in more.

I want to close my eyes and let the energy take over, I dont want to fight it, like I usually do.You touch me like you know me, you read me, and I can succumb to the passion inside me and not worry about what will be tomorrow. It doesnt mean I won't, it doesnt mean I dont hesitate, but my gut tells me I wont need to guess, you will tell me.

When I talk you listen, because knowing me is part of your charm, I am not used to the spotlight, not sure how much to open up, how much to let you in. I wish you would tell me, but at this point do we even know?

I may be scared to feel, because when I do I become vulnerable, and usually dissapointed. I dont want to let the wall down, but I want to learn, even with the doubt and confusion nothing here tells me to walk away.

You captivate me...

מחפשת שקט
מחפשת שלווה
כאן בתוך הסערה
של בלבול ותשוקה
העולם שלי שכולו בשליטתי
המגע המרגיע
שישחרר אותי

להביט בעינך ולדעת שזה נכון
שכאן אני נמצאת כאן המקום
ללא פחדים, ללא חששות
רק אני ואתה ללא תסכול
יחד נגלה שהשמיים הם הגבול

We have the right to love and live our lives freely
I choose to live mine by giving all of me
to he who touches the core of me

I live in doubt and dream in optimism
I close my eyes and taste it gently on my lips
But its gone before I take a bite

The bittersweet irony of where we are…
free to do as I choose but confined by desire
Mature enough without inhibitions
But too wise to be foolish
A body longing for the touch
but scars to deep to bare it

So I keep myself caged in….
with boundaries to protect myself
I can only tell you how to find the key
The rest is up to you,
The bittersweet irony.
Its up to you to set me free

Its amazing what a change of pace can do. I went away, went home. Well I guess it isn’t really home anymore. I felt more like a tourist. And of course you don’t realize how important family is to you until they are so far away.

Not many people understand the strength it takes to pack up and leave your entire life behind you, friends, family…I did it, and worse so I did it for love. Its takes an even stronger person to continue raising two children alone in this country when your ideals crumble. So going home was a real change of pace for me.

I tried so hard to switch and leave everything here behind me, thinking I could come back with a clean slate, well not only did it follow me, the slate is no cleaner than before I left.

I know though that as long as I am true to myself, that slate will disappear. I have come back stronger. More certain of what I want. My belief that it exists is what gives me the strength to fight these pitiful games that everyone plays.

I am me, the best I can be
Take me as I am or leave me be

Its funny how I had this need to connect to the community, thinking it would help me understand myself better.
For a while it got easier, but there was his voice in the back of my head.
I have never really allowed myself to trust completely, not so soon anyway, I have always believed trust had to be earned. I should have stuck to my beliefs.

It seems the friends I thought I had, were the ones who were betraying me most of all…

I played along; with the one I knew was deceiving me, but I played along all the same even doing things (or pretending to) that I wouldn’t normally do. Maybe I was deceiving too, but I needed to be sure.

For the life of me, I never suspected to be betrayed by a friend who was so sincere (or so I thought). Men have betrayed me time and time again but I really trusted her. I guess the joke was on me

So I have had this break took some time away, and discovered some truths. I will come back stronger as I knew I would but less trusting (which I didn’t think possible). More cautious and true to myself. I know where I am going back too.

To the two of you…. Please leave me the hell alone. My friendship is an expensive gift neither of you can afford.

The cage is not for building friendships, and probably not the place to find what I need, but sexual desires will keep bringing me back.

My only hope is that I will lose this cynicism quickly.

I have to turn my back, its who I am
I need to close my eyes, pretend is all I can
I plan to disconnect
to search inside to find more strength
Will you be here when I return?

Will you accept me for who I am
Will that place still be for me
That comfort I find right at your feet
Will you save it for me

I am trying not to fall
I am trying to stand steadfast
But its you that haunts my dreams at night
Its you that keeps me warm

I know I will come back stronger
I know that I can fight
This warm embrace that strangles me
I will conquer with all my might

I know that if I do this right
I can break down this wall
I can guard myself from the pain I cause
I can give you my all

נוסעת לחו''ל אחזור חודש הבא לחפש שוב את המקום שלי

I may not be vanilla
I may not be chocolate
I think I may just be Chunky Monkey
its addicitive

I write of my thoughts and fantasies
I write about what it feels to be me
I write of where I am and where I want to be

I draw the picture of who you are
I give you all you need
The ammunition to take my heart and not one of you can succeed

Beyond the feeling of being there
Beyond the pain and pleasure felt
There is more to this world that I have found
Its not about me giving in, its about getting the same from you on a common ground

I will never forget where I belong and will not walk away
But if you cannot give me all you have
There will never be a reason to stay

Some of us need the release, some just want to try
For some it is a way of life. I am none.

I go deeper, further to the core.
Without your love there is no way of life
Without your total surrender there is no release
Giving in is the sign of the greatest strength
I am a sub and I can
Show me a Master stronger than me

I settle for what I decide to be right, I settle for something close, but as long as I am settling, I am holding back

I don’t want to hold back!!